


Hiraeth

by Anonymous



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Force-Sensitive Hux, M/M, amnesia au based on bona-mana's illustrations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-06-03 12:44:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6611119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux has made peace with what he is missing, and is living a fulfilling life as a new person when comes in a person from his past who brings back not only Hux's missing memories but also something that he doesn't even know he's missing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> Hiraeth (n.) - a homesickness for a home you cannot return to, or that never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.
> 
> This is based on [bona-mana's ](http://bona-mana.tumblr.com/)[Amnesia!AU](http://bona-mana.tumblr.com/tagged/amnesia-au) which you should definitely see first before reading this.
> 
> To bona-mana, thank you for letting me write this, this universe is a joy, and thanks for the support and encouragement. You're an inspiration.

The sudden gasps and loud intake of breaths make Hux look up from inspecting the variety of fresh produce from the vegetable stand he’s currently stood in front of, his eyes quickly searching for the source of such reaction. It doesn’t take long for him to find it; just a few ways down from where he is, a middle-aged male Kita’ardi is being surrounded by a group of First Order soldiers.

One of them is holding the man around the collar of his tunic, the others holding up their blasters threateningly. The Kita’ardi is going very deep blue around his face with fear, and he seems to be rambling in swift Kita’an. Everyone who’s currently in view of this is silent and unmoving, the adults trying to hide their children behind them.

The soldier holding the Kita’ardi is yelling in Basic which most of the locals aren’t really very familiar with. He’s demanding for the man to show him his permit to put up his stall in the square, although most of what he’s saying are threats to put the man in prison. It’s obvious that the Kita’ardi does not understand a thing of what he’s saying, and yet.

No one is stepping forward to intervene, and the soldiers are obviously too stupid or maybe too opportunistic to realize this.

Hux puts down the bag he’s carrying on top of the produce on the cart, and gives a brief smile towards the vendor when he glances up. And then he pulls himself up to his full height and marches over towards the soldiers, his gaze steely and his chin up.

“What’s going on here?” he demands in Basic, and the Kita’ardi and the soldiers turn to him.

“None of your business, ginger,” the soldier holding the Kita’ardi replies with a condescending sneer.

Hux narrows his eyes at the name, but ignores it. “This man obviously cannot understand Basic,” he says, gesturing at the vendor. “Why don’t you tell me what you want from him then maybe he can give it to you?”

“You call this a man?” the soldier asks, shaking the Kita’ardi whom he’s still holding around the collar. The man turns bluer, four-fingered hands coming up to clutch at the hand holding him. The soldier gives him a dirty look, shouting, “don’t touch me, you filthy creature!”

Hux’s blood boils over that, but he holds his temper in. “How about you unhand him? Tell me what you want and I’ll translate it over for him.”

The soldier glares at him, but Hux does not waver. Even with one other soldier already pointing his blaster at him, he keeps his eyes on the first soldier, not to be cowered by this needless display of power.

Finally, the soldier harshly lets go of the Kita’ardi, crossing his arms across his chest. “Fine. Tell him we need to see his permit or we’ll put him to prison and make him pay a fine.”

Hux levels one last glare at the soldier before turning to the vendor and softening his expression. He relays the message in Kita’an, and the Kita’ardi frantically digs from behind his stall, coming back up with a paper that he offers to the soldiers. The first soldier snatches it from him, runs his eyes over it, and then hands it back. He gives Hux a threatening look before signalling for the others, and then they turn to leave. Hux watches them as they go, his attention only breaking when the Kita’ardi pulls on his sleeve.

“Oh, thank you, thank you!” he exclaims, tears gathering in his round black eyes. He’s creasing Hux’s sleeve with how tight he’s clutching at it, but Hux can only smile in the face of such genuine gratitude.

“You’re welcome,” he says, prying the man’s hand off his sleeve and holding it in his hands instead. He squeezes back when the Kita’ardi squeezes his hands. “Did they hurt you? Did they take anything from you?”

The man shakes his head, and only lets go of Hux’s hands to wipe at his eyes. “No, they didn’t, but I thought I was going to have a heart attack if they didn’t kill me first.”

Hux smiles wryly, and offers, “Well, if you need something for your nerves, then I’m sure Anita can give it to you. Her calming balms do impressive work.”

The Kita’ardi’s eyes widen with recognition, his gaze briefly landing on Hux’s hair. “Anita, you say? Why, you’re the young man that lives with her! Kal, isn’t it?”

Despite having about a year and a half to get used to that name, it still doesn’t fail to bring heat to Hux’s cheeks. He wants so badly to change his name, but by the time he’d found out what it means, the neighbors already know him by that name. Anyway, he doubts they’re going to stop calling him as such even if he does change his name now.

Still, he manages a smile with his nod. “Yes, that’s me.”

“I must say, you live up to that name, young man,” the Kita’ardi says, his eyes now glinting with something that’s far from fear. Hux thinks it’s about time he goes back to his bag, and continue on with his shopping.

“Thank you,” he replies, his cheeks only getting hotter. “I must be going now. Do feel free to come by if you need that calming balm that I mentioned.”

The man nods vigorously. “Of course, of course. But oh, I must thank you! Please, take something before you go.”

Hux draws back a little, shaking a hand at the vendor. “Oh no, there’s no need for that—”

“But I do insist—”

“Really, a thank you is enough—”

“I’m sure Anita will only be glad of this.” Hux pauses to look at what the vendor has. When he looks back up, the vendor is smiling at him with encouragement. “Go on, you can have something for free.”

Hux hesitates, but he gives in eventually. “Well, if you insist.” He returns to looking at the products, and points at a sheaf of freshly cut purple vines. “I’ll have those, then. Anita puts them in the calming balm, which I’ll be sure you can get for free if you come into the clinic.”

“Oh, you’re too good, Kal. Here, I’ll give you a full bag.”

And this is how Hux ends up carrying two bags brimming with produce by the time he arrives to the house. He enters through the kitchen door and puts the bags down on top of the island counter, shaking his arms out after because they’re tingling from exhaustion. When he heads for the door that leads to the dining room, he almost bumps into the tiny woman who’s coming his way, and he steps back before a collision can happen.

The woman, Anita, who’s a feet and a few inches shorter than Hux and almost twice as old, puts her hands on her hips and regards Hux sternly over her spectacles. “You’re late,” she says.

Hux sighs, and returns her look with apologetic eyes. “Sorry, something happened at the square.”

“Uh-huh.” She pushes Hux back into the kitchen but she stops abruptly upon seeing the bags. “Skies above, what have you done?”

“I haven’t done anything,” Hux protests, following Anita with his eyes as she goes to inspect the contents of the bags. She starts pulling the items out as she speaks.

“Who have you charmed this time? The daughter of the mayor? The owner of that jewelry store east of the square? The _son of the Count_?”

Hux scowls, ignoring the redness that’s settling on his cheeks. “You’re exaggerating, I haven’t charmed anyone! I just helped this man who’s being harassed by First Order soldiers.”

Anita obviously deflates. “Ah. What did they want?” she asks flatly.

Hux goes to pull a stool by the counter and sits. “They wanted his permit.” He watches as Anita carefully inspects the produce he brought, glad of the approval in her eyes. “But he didn’t speak Basic, so they started threatening him.”

“And what did you do?”

“I went and translated for them.”

Anita raises her eyes, scrutinizing him. When she’s satisfied, she goes back to the bags. “I’m glad they didn’t hurt you.”

Hux presses his lips together in a thin line. “It wouldn’t have mattered.”

She snorts, and turns to the bag full of purple vines. She starts pulling them out, and her eyes widens when she sees that the entire bag is full of it. “Oh dear skies, ruler of the universe.”

Hux can’t help but smile at her reaction, propping up an elbow on the counter and leaning his head on the palm of his hand. “The man gave them to me after I helped him. I told him they were too much but he wouldn’t relent. So I promised him a free calming balm when he comes into the clinic.”

Anita turns raised eyebrows at him even as she empties the bag of purple vines. “That’s not for you to decide, is it?” When she turns back to the vines, she concedes, “I suppose the man deserves it, however. Look at all of this. I don’t think I’ll be able to use them all to make calming balms.”

“We can always cook them,” Hux suggests. “In fact, why don’t we have them for tonight?”

“You’re right,” Anita agrees, pushing the vines to Hux. “Here, why don’t you start on it?”

“But isn’t it your turn to cook?”

“I can’t, Kal, look at all of these!” She’s gathering some sheaves of purple vines into her arms, stuffing them in the crook of her elbows. “I’ll have to start making the calming balms or else these vines will wither and die!”

Hux turns with a frown when Anita starts heading for the door, an armful of purple vines with her. “Anita, we have a reservatory for a reason!” he says.

“It’s just not the same!” she calls back, already in the other room. “They won’t be as fresh, you know this!”

Hux sighs resignedly, turning back to the purple vines that’s left in front of him. After just staring at them for a few more seconds, he gets up from his seat and opens a cupboard for a pan.

*

The skies has already turned dark with the stars brightly twinkling overhead when Hux heads home from a house call just a few blocks south of the town square. He’s walking along the streets with his head tilted up, just looking at the stars with a strange kind of longing that he doesn’t entirely understand.

It’s at times like these, when he feels wistful and nostalgic towards things he has no memory of, that he wonders about his origins. Wonders what his past was like, who he was, and if anyone out there knows him, searches for him. 

These are thoughts he doesn’t really think much about these days because, as Anita had pointed out to him, being tied down by a past he can’t remember and puzzling over a problem they don’t know any solution to is a waste of precious time. He can’t build a progressive future when he lets the unknown fog over his mind. Besides which, Hux feels at home here in Kata’ar, everyone accepts him, and he feels that he belongs. Everything is at peace if only the First Order had not suddenly arrived to ruin things. Even then, most of the First Order’s activities in the county can be ignored although Hux doubts that’ll last for long.

When Hux finally looks away from the sky, he sees a man walking ahead of him. As it’s already pretty late in the night, there are very few people outside, so when the man trips and drops the papers he seem to have been carrying, there’s only Hux to help him collect them. He rushes to the man and bends down on his knees, picking up the papers.

“Oh, thank you,” the man says in Basic, and just when Hux looks up in curiosity, there’s suddenly an arm tightly wrapping around his neck, and a gloved hand pressed hard against his lips. He quickly tries struggling out of this hold, both hands clutching hard around the arm holding him, digging his fingernails against fabric, but the man he tried to help grabs both his legs, and they carry him into a nearby dark alley.

When Hux is put back to his feet, an arm still around his neck, hand still pressed against his lips, he sees that the two men are not alone and that two other men are waiting by the alley. One of them comes forward, the light seeping through from the sidewalk just barely hitting the man’s face, and Hux’s eyes widen with recognition. It’s the soldier from the square a few days back.

The soldier grins maliciously when he sees Hux’s expression, leaning in too close. “You thought you got away from us, huh?” he says, voice low now compared to his yelling at the square. “Oh no, no one stands up against the First Order without getting punished.”

Hux tries to struggle again, but the arm around his neck is too strong. And it tightens at his movements, threatening to cut off his air supply. He kicks out a leg, hoping to hit the soldier, but he dodges easily. In response, the soldier gives him a punch on the gut that has him doubling over, and he would’ve crumpled on the ground just from the force of it were he not held up by someone else.

“Now, now, how are we to punish you?” the soldier continues, and Hux glares up at him over his fringe. The soldier steps closer, bringing up a gloved hand to caress Hux’s exposed cheek, and Hux shivers with disgust. The soldier grins. “You’re quite the pretty boy, aren’t you? That hair of yours will sell you well in slave auctions. But first, how about we test the product, eh?”

A wave of fear washes over Hux at that, and he struggles harder, uncaring of the arm that’s blocking his air pipe. He needs to get away, quickly, in any way—

Another punch to the gut stills Hux. He blinks back the tears that are threatening to fall from his eyes, unable to look up at the soldier now. He hears a clicking of the tongue, and then his chin is being roughly tilted upwards. Hux glares when he’s forced to look at the soldier in the eyes, refusing the show fear.

“You’re naughty,” the soldier says, face contorted with displeasure. “You deserve to be punished.” And then he’s unbuckling his belt, and Hux’s eyes widen in horror, tries to turn his head away but the hand on his mouth is now forcing his head to face forward. Hux closes his eyes, wishing for his whimpers to be heard for someone to help him, rather than have his mouth covered like this and be treated with such filth.

He doesn’t know what’s to happen, but he doesn’t expect to suddenly hear a grunt, the sound of a blasters shooting, of fist hitting flesh, and then of a body falling against the ground. Hux cracks an eye open, but he’s suddenly being shoved aside, his hands and knees scraping against the ground when he tries to brace himself for the fall. He ignores the throbbing pain of his stomach, his palms and his knees to turn around, bracing himself up on his elbow, to look at what’s going on.

A man who’s new to the scene is now in the process of knocking out one of the soldiers with an upper cut, spinning around, and then knocking out the last of the soldiers with a harsh kick on the face. With no more opponents, he stands still with his back to Hux, his shoulders rising and falling with each breath.

Hux stays frozen on the ground, still processing what just happened. After a beat, the man turns around and rushes over to him, and all Hux can do is nothing. He waits until the man steps into the faded light spilling into the alley, and Hux catches his breath.

The man bends down, and offers a hand to him. “Are you alright?” he asks, his expression worried.

Hux only stares at him for a second, distracted by the sight of a scar bisecting this man’s right face, before he accepts the hand, and lets himself be pulled up to his feet. His stomach sends a stab of pain throughout his body, and he bends over with an instinctual, “Ow.”

Suddenly, the man’s hands are all over him, frantically checking him for injuries, and Hux is too surprised to move that he doesn’t even resist. When the man seems to be satisfied with the inspection, he brings both hands to cup Hux’s face, and Hux stares wide-eyed at the dark eyes trained on his.

“Hux,” the man whispers as if to himself, but Hux hears it, and that singular word is laced with so much feeling that Hux grabs the man by the collar of his tunic, demanding, “How do you know that name?!”

 _How do you know_ me?

The man’s eyes widen, his expression changing to confusion. He stares at Hux, and Hux stares back, desperately waiting for that question to be answered. And then the man’s expression quickly changes to one of extreme grief, and he starts saying a string of, “No, no, no—”

Hux frowns with concern as the man’s eyes start looking wild, his gaze flitting all over Hux’s face. His fingers are also starting to dig really hard into Hux’s skin, but he is more concerned about the sudden change of this man’s demeanor.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, relinquishing his hold on the man’s collar, settling his palms lightly on his shoulders instead.

But the man pulls away, still muttering, “No, no, no,” over and over. His hands are now clutching at his hair, and he seems to be pulling at them harshly, eyes not on Hux anymore but wild and unfocused.

Hux doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what just happened, and he still needs to know why this man knows his name. His real name.

He reaches out a hand, and opens his mouth without even knowing what he would say. But then a loudly whispered, “Ben!” interrupts, and Hux turns around to look at the entrance of the alley.

A woman walks past him, straight towards the man, and continues on with her loud whispers, “What the heck are you doing?! We’re trying to remain hidden, you absolute horror, there are people coming this way because of blaster shots! What are you doing?!”

The man doesn’t reply, doesn’t even seem to notice her really, although he’s looking at her. She doesn’t seem to mind the lack of response and just looks around the bodies littered across the ground. And then her gaze lands on Hux, and she frowns. “Who’s that?” she asks the man without looking away.

He still doesn’t respond, and Hux still doesn’t know what to do. The woman is still also unbothered by the lack of answers and turns back to the man, tugging his arm. “Come on, we need to go! People are coming!” She drags him off towards the other end of the alley, and without even looking back at Hux, they disappear around the corner.

Hux stays standing there for a long moment, mind blank and, at the very same time, filled. His thoughts are too scattered and numerous that not a single one stays in his head for too long, leaving him empty. A few moments later, he does hear the sound of people’s feet rushing along the cobbled streets, and a second later, someone’s spotted him, and that someone shouts that they’ve found him.

The next few minutes pass Hux in a blur of too many voices, too many hands on him, and too much activity going on. In this blur of activities, there’s only one thing that Hux remembers with certainty.

The man who knows his name.

*

Hux isn’t allowed to go out of the house for the next two days, Anita insisting that he rest and that she will be fine on her own at the clinic. He’d told her he doesn’t need _two_ days to recover, but apparently, the blows he took to the stomach looked bad enough for him to be unconvincing.

He relishes being able to go back to the clinic after his two-day house arrest, although the only thing he can think about now that he’s back to his feet is searching for that man and demanding answers to his questions. He dreads the thought that he will not be seeing that man again especially because he doesn’t know how to find him.

As soon as Hux is done with his work the day Anita has let him return to the clinic, he heads straight for the square hoping to see a sign of the man. Being a small town, everyone knows almost everyone and it’s always easy to pinpoint which person is new. He’s hoping that there will be someone who have seen the man who can point him to a direction; it doesn’t matter how vague the information would be. He just wants to know that the man is here.

The people he approaches once he’s in the square all end up gushing about how they are glad to see he’s well, and that they’ve heard about or seen him the night he was attacked, and it really was a terrible thing to happen, wasn’t it, and isn’t it also very good of the mayor to settle the matter with the Order? Also, how was Kal able to take down those men?

Hux patiently answers each time that yes, it was an unfortunate event, but he’s very lucky and eternally grateful that the townsfolk has taken care of him. As for the last question, he thinks about telling the story of how this man came swooping down to help him, but something holds him back from relaying that. So instead, he settles with diplomatically saying that he doesn’t really remember what happened, that it was all a blur to him, that he can barely believe it himself that that happened.

Admittedly, after the first five people who has talked to him about what happened, and also being unable to provide Hux information on the man he’s looking for, he starts to feel an irritation that he very resolutely ignores. He can’t exactly fault people for being concerned about his well-being; in fact, he should be grateful.

Still, Hux’s mood is darkening the longer he walks the square, inquiring people for a man with a scar on his face and receiving the same answer that they haven’t seen such a person around. He’s thinking of just giving up for the day, when he hears a deep voice speaking in irritated Basic.

Hux turns to look, ready to confront yet another First Order person while also sincerely hoping that this intervention will not lead to the same event that only just happened, the memory of which still makes his throat constrict, when to his surprise, it is not a person who’s in a First Order uniform.

Throat constricting for an entirely different reason this time, Hux only watches for a few moments, unsure if this really is the man he’s looking for. He can only see the man’s back, long dark hair, broad shoulders, but there are many who share those features, no? But Hux has to make sure. So he draws himself up into a stiffer posture than he’s already usually sporting, and approaches the man as casually as he can.

“Why does no one know how to speak Basic in this town? It’s called Basic for a reason!” the man is furiously saying to the person he’s speaking with, the latter looking utterly lost and terrified.

Hux easily inserts himself to stand beside the local, pleasantly saying in Basic, “Excuse me? Might I be of help?”

When Hux finally gets to look at the man’s face, his entire being seem to clench in on itself, his breath hitching, and his heart stuttering. The man is also wearing an expression that Hux thinks might be mirroring his own, but Hux is quick to recover. He turns to the local to tell him that he’ll take care of this man, and the local thanks him profusely before making a quick escape. With that taken care of, Hux turns back to the man whose expression has shifted to one of sadness. It’s not quite as grave as that night two days ago, but the feeling is there, and Hux doesn’t understand it.

“Why do you look at me like that?” he asks. “Who are you?”

The man only stares at him for a moment, his eyes taking in his face and then down, lingering on his hair that flows to his breastbone. And then when he looks back up to Hux’s eyes, he seem to recollect himself, the sadness marring his face fading into a neutral mask.

“My name is… my name is Kylo Ren,” he says.

“Kylo Ren,” Hux repeats to himself softly, the name tugging at something in his memories. Kylo’s expression shifts back to sadness the moment the name is out of Hux’s lips, and Hux decides that he can’t continue looking at that expression anymore. “Come with me,” he says, looking away from Kylo to look at their surroundings. “This is hardly the place for a proper talk.”

When Kylo nods, Hux starts leading him back from where he came from, out of the square, and towards the clinic. The walk only takes about twenty minutes tops, but Hux is impatient to get to the clinic, and being unable to increase his speed only makes it worse. He’s afraid that if he speeds up, he will lose Kylo, and it’s not really helping that Kylo is walking a few steps behind him. He has to turn to check that he’s still there every few minutes, and Hux has to fight off the urge to just take Kylo’s hand and drag him.

When they finally arrive at the clinic, the receptionist, a young Kita’ardi woman, looks up and raises her eyebrows in surprise and curiosity upon seeing Hux. “Kal, you’re back.”

He pastes on an automatic smile at her, not pausing as he walks towards the flight of stairs, gesturing for Kylo to follow him. “I need to use the roof,” is all he says, and then they’re ascending the stairs straight towards the roof.

Once they’re there, Hux lets Kylo enter first, and he closes the door behind him. When he faces Kylo, the man has his back to Hux, and Hux’s chest suddenly constricts with something he doesn’t fully understand. He knows what he wants to ask, but the words suddenly feel like they’re stuck in his throat, and the silence stretches between them.

A few seconds pass before Kylo turns around to face him, and Hux is relieved that he’s not wearing that saddened expression. It almost makes him feel angry that Kylo is the one looking so crestfallen when it’s Hux who is missing pieces of himself.

“How are you?” Kylo asks, strangely.

Hux blinks in confusion, and then frowns. “I’m fine..?”

“I mean your injuries. From that night.”

“Oh. They’re healing. I only got a few bruises and scratches anyway, nothing some bacta gel can’t heal.”

Kylo looks away, his jaw tight and fists clenched. He takes a deep breath, and when he exhales, the tension leaves him. “I would’ve killed them, at another time.”

“At another time?”

Kylo turns back to him for a moment, something different in his eyes now that Hux cannot describe. And then he looks away again, and walks towards the edge of the roof. “You have questions,” he says.

Hux’s chest constricts again, equal parts not wanting to ask but also wanting to know what Kylo knows. He walks closer to Kylo, joining him at the edge of the roof. “Yes,” he says, his voice wavering slightly, and he looks down at the street below. He forces himself to look up when he’s resolved himself to ask, but Kylo is not looking at him. “How do you know… that name—that you called me?”

“Your name?” Kylo says, and when he looks at Hux, Hux struggles not to look away. He has to dig his fingernails into his palms to continue looking straight into Kylo’s eyes. “How do I know your real name?”

“Yes.” Hux is glad that his voice doesn’t waver this time, although the heaviness in his chest doesn’t leave him. It only becomes heavier as he waits for Kylo’s answer.

“But you already know.”

The intensity of Kylo’s gaze combined with his words makes Hux look away, unable to take it. When he finds that the pain on his palms isn’t enough, he folds his arms together, digging his nails hard into his biceps.

Kylo suddenly steps forward and pries Hux’s hands off their hold. When Hux tries to pull away, he tightens his grip around Hux’s hands. Hux gives up on resisting and lets Kylo stroke circles with his thumbs across the backs of his hands. It’s all too intimate for Hux, but he can’t bring himself to stop it.

“I don’t know anything,” he whispers, his head down, unable to look at Kylo still.

“You don’t know everything,” Kylo says. “But you know why I know your name.”

Hux closes his eyes, and hates that he sees the memory clearly behind them. It’s not a memory of a time before he lost his past memories, but this was after he woke up with nothing to remember but his own name. He was already in Anita’s care then, who had found him in a crashed shuttle in the mountains, and had brought him back to her home to tend to his injuries. When he woke up without his memories, he’d told Anita that he remembered nothing, not even his own name. He doesn’t completely know why he did that, but he’s thankful of it when, a few days later, he got a hold of a datapad and searched up his name in an effort to get back his memories.

The information he’d found had not been pretty. He could barely believe that that person was him, and he’d struggled for awhile with trying to reconcile his current self with his past self. He desperately wanted his memories back to know the reason behind his actions, more than to know how he’d ended up in this planet without his memories. If it weren’t for Anita, his reaction to encountering Kylo Ren would have probably been worse.

Kylo Ren who was the Master of the Knights of Ren, and right hand man of the Supreme Leader of the First Order. Kylo Ren who was General Hux’s co-commander on the First Order’s flagship, the _Finalizer_ , and Kylo Ren who, more than half a year after Starkiller Base was destroyed, had suddenly disappeared together with General Hux, and then later declared a traitor to the Order’s cause, and also dead together with General Hux.

Kylo Ren who’s now standing in front of Hux, alive and warm and real, and still stroking his hands.

Something suddenly occurs to Hux, and he blinks a few times as he recalls the words that they’ve exchanged so far. He looks up, and looks at Kylo with suspicion, but he still doesn’t pull away. The stroking is oddly comforting. “How did you know that I… recognize your name?”

Kylo only stares at him for a moment, and then slowly drops his hands. The air feels colder against his palms now that they’ve absorbed some extra heat from Kylo’s, and Hux buries them in the crooks of his elbows to retain the heat.

“I have to go,” Kylo says instead of answering the question, and when he starts to turn, Hux feels a stab of panic that makes him reach out and grab Kylo’s wrist. Kylo turns back around, looking at him with indescribable eyes again.

“I… will I see you again?” Hux asks, hoping he doesn’t sound too desperate.

To his surprise, Kylo smiles genuinely, if a little pained, and uses his free hand to gently remove Hux’s hand from around his wrist.

“You will see me again,” he says, lingering for a second before he lets Hux’s hand drop. “And I will answer your questions.”

Hux buries his hand back into the crook of his elbow, nodding. “Alright. Good.”

He doesn’t stop Kylo from leaving this time, and he watches as Kylo disappears beyond the door. He turns to look at the street below, waits for Kylo to come out of the clinic, and when he does, Hux continues to watch him.

A few steps away from the clinic, Kylo turns back and looks up at Hux. Hux thinks maybe he’ll do something odd, like maybe wave at him, but he only turns back around without doing anything, disappearing into the crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if I need to add more tags. I don't know how to tag, apparently.


	2. Chapter 2

There are stacks of boxes outside the faculty room as Hux passes through towards his classroom. Mila, a human woman around Anita’s age and the head of the school, is standing by the stacks with her arms crossed and her lips pursed with displeasure. Hux pauses as he nears her, and sees the First Order insignia on the boxes.

“What’s this?” Hux asks, upper lip curling with distaste.

Mila turns to him with grave eyes, saying, “Datapads and holorecords. Of First Order history. The Commandant has issued for all the schools in the county to start teaching them. The Mayor says that the Count tried fighting them off, but well. We’re ill-equipped.”

Hux searches for an open box and pulls out one of the datapads. He flicks it on and browses through the information listed in it, not sure what he’s searching for. And then he finds _Battle of Starkiller Base_ near the bottom of the list, and he clicks on it, heart beating just a little faster. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting to find but there’s little mention of General Hux, and none at all of Kylo Ren. The text only says that General Hux commanded the planet along with the _Finalizer_ , and that the General failed to defend it against the Resistance attack, leading to the planet’s destruction.

When he goes back to the list, there’s only two more titles underneath the _Battle of Starkiller Base_ , titled: _Aftermath of the Battle_ , and _Delivering Order to the Unknown Regions_. There’s only a very brief mention of General Hux in the former, stating that the General brought the _Finalizer_ and her crew to a First Order planet in the Unknown Regions, and from there, the First Order regrouped. After that, General Hux is never mentioned again, and in the _Delivering Order to the Unknown Regions_ , there’s only a narrative of how the First Order successfully issued order in a number of systems.

Hux thinks maybe there’s no extensive record on him because he’d presumably betrayed the Order, but why the information doesn’t mention that leaves him in confusion. Perhaps it’s not important enough to be mentioned?

A hand suddenly waving in his field of vision makes Hux look up to find Mila staring at him with concern. He gives her a forced smile, thoughts still on the information he’s just read, although now he recognizes that it might not have been a good idea to have read about himself.

“Sorry,” he says to Mila. “Got lost in thought.”

“Indeed.” She runs her eyes all over his person, and then says, “I heard about what happened to you. You didn’t have to come if you’re still feeling unwell.”

Hux supresses a sigh, and continues smiling. “I’m fine, really. I only got a few bruises. Besides, I don’t want to miss class.”

Mila’s lips stretches into a small smile, and she glances behind her. “They’re waiting for you. They’ve also heard about what happened to you, so expect to be greeted with some enthusiastic hugging.”

This time, Hux does sigh, eyes rolling. “Sorry, it’s not that I don’t want their hugs, but. Everyone’s been a bit… coddling me.”

Mila’s smile transforms into a grin, her face brightening up greatly. “I can imagine that. I’m sorry if it’s been unbearable to you, but you’re one of us now.” She pats him gently on the arm, and the warmth in her eyes makes Hux smile. “Better get used to it, Kal.”

He nods. “I’ll try.”

“Good.” She withdraws her hand, and goes back to the boxes, her lips thinning once more. “You’d better go while I figure out what I’ll do with these boxes.”

“Set them on fire?”

Mila snorts, waving him off. “If only.”

Hux starts walking away even as he says, “We could use them to create a bonfire. The children will love that,” and Mila’s laughter follows him as he makes his way towards his classroom.

Even from a few feet away, Hux can already hear his students chattering and laughing to themselves, probably wreaking havoc as they always do, creating disorder in the classroom, making a mess of themselves.

When he enters the classroom, he sees a few of them chasing after each other whilst hopping from table to table, and Hux’s heart jumps when one of the students on the ground pushes on a table even as another student lands on it. The latter struggles to maintain balance with the table trembling underneath him, and Hux has to stop himself from cursing loudly.

“Heavens, get off those tables at once!” he exclaims instead, and all eyes in the room turn to him.

“Kal!” a few voices say in unison, and all of them gather around him, a few brave ones throwing themselves to hug him around his middle. Hux staggers a little bit at the force of it, winces when an arm grazes where his healing bruises are even though it doesn’t really hurt anymore.

The student hanging right in front of him looks up, her big brown eyes intent on his. “We heard you’re hurt, Kal. Who hurt you?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he says as he gently unwinds the arms around his waist. When he’s managed to put some distance between himself and the students, he continues, “I’m alright now.”

“I heard it was those bad military guys,” one of the students at the back says, although this isn’t said to Hux. He’s addressing his fellow students. “The ones in the uniforms, you know?”

There’s a collective sound of ‘ohh’s, and then they all look up at Hux for confirmation.

“They’ve been taken care of,” he says.

“What did they do to you?” another student asks.

Hux falls silent for a second, fighting off a shudder at the memory. He still gets unsettled when he remembers what happened, although the ending wasn’t entirely bad. He thinks of Kylo, of him standing with his back to Hux, and wonders where he is right now.

“Nothing too bad,” he says to his students, belatedly. And then he ushers them all further into the classroom as he tries to walk to the front. “Alright, you guys, return to your seats, please. Also, please never stand on the tables again, never mind trying to chase each other while on them. It’s dangerous.”

“ _Prer tuva_ , Kal,” one of the more earnest boys says, and Hux smiles at him.

“Why don’t you try saying that in Basic?” he asks as he takes his place at the front, and his students settle themselves back into their seats.

The boy scrunches his face in thought, and then hesitantly enunciates, “S—Sor-ry…?”

Hux grins, and nods with approval. “That’s correct. _Prer tuva_ is ‘sorry’ in Basic, and if you need to indicate that it’s you who’s sorry, then it’s ‘I’m sorry’.”

“I’m sorry,” the boy repeats, his words laced thick with accent.

When Hux looks around the room to check that everyone is paying attention and is ready for class, he pauses at an empty seat near the front. He turns to the girl seating beside it, and inquires, “Where’s Ysa?”

“She’s sick when I went to her house,” the girl responds glumly. “She looked awful. Do you think you can go visit her, Kal? I told her mom to bring her to the clinic, but she said Ysa will be fine with just rest, but she looked so terrible.”

“Did Ysa’s mother mention what sickness it is?”

“No.”

Hux considers for a moment, and then nods. “Alright, I’ll pay her a visit.”

The girl brightens up, and she beams at him. “Thanks, Kal!”

He smiles back at her before returning to the class at large. “Alright,” he says. “Let’s begin.”

*

Later that evening, Hux makes his way towards Ysa’s house with a bag of basic equipment and common medicines. When he arrives, he knocks at the door, and waits.

The door opens only seconds later, and Ysa’s mother, Tes’s face lights up at the sight of him. “Kal!”

“Good evening,” Hux greets with a polite smile. “I’m sorry for coming uninvited, but Soria mentioned in class that Ysa is sick. She was very worried so I thought maybe I should check..?”

“Oh!” Tes opens the door wider, and gestures for him to come in. “I’m pretty sure that she only has a flu, but since you came all this way, then…”

Tes leads him into the house and towards a room where Ysa is lying on the bed, looking very red in the face. She appears to be sleeping, and Tes whispers to him as they watch her, “You didn’t have to come, but thank you.”

Hux glances at her with a smile, responding, “It’s nothing, really. It’s my pleasure to help.”

Tes pulls up a chair for him to sit on beside the bed, and Hux gently places his bag by his feet. He pulls up his equipment and starts setting up to check Ysa’s vitals. In the middle of the process, Ysa wakes up, and sleepily blinks at Hux. He smiles at her even as he continues to monitor the equipment’s readings.

“Are you an angel?” Ysa mumbles, and Hux thinks she must be delirious.

“No, I’m not, unfortunately.” He pauses, and considers. “Or fortunately,” he adds.

Ysa continues to blink at him as the process continues on. When it’s done, Hux draws back with the equipment and looks over the readings. He turns to Tes who’s hovering by his side, nodding. “You’re right, it’s nothing serious. But she might recover faster with the help of medicine.”

He returns his equipment inside the bag and pulls out a bottle of medicine. He hands it over to Tes with instructions on when and how much dose Ysa needs to drink, and after Tes takes it, he turns back to Ysa who seems to be more awake now.

“Oh, it’s you, Kal,” she says.

“That’s right.”

“Sorry I missed class today. What are you doing here?”

“Checking on you. You’re sick.”

She nods gravely, sniffling. “I hate being sick,” she mutters.

Hux smiles at her, even as he sighs, “We all do. But I’ve given your mother medicine for you, so drink it, alright?”

She nods again. “I will.”

He picks up his bag and stands up, turning to Tes. “Well, I have to go,” he says. He turns back to Ysa with a hand raised in goodbye. “I’m going now, Ysa. I’ll see you in class next week, yes?”

“Yes.” She sniffles, and adds, “I won’t be sick again.”

Hux huffs out a small laugh at that. “We’ll see.”

She brightens up with an idea, and then declares, “When I grow up, I’ll marry you. Then I won’t be sick again.”

Hux snorts, shaking his head. “I’m afraid it doesn’t quite work like that. And I’ll be very old by the time you grow up.”

“But you’re beautiful,” Ysa says, sounding genuinely confused. When Hux starts making his way to the door, she raises a hand and waves at him. “Bye, Kal.”

“Should you have a child, I’d gladly offer Ysa to your family,” Tes jokes as they both stand by the door. Hux only blinks at her, not knowing what to say. She smiles. “Thank you for coming, Kal. I’ll be sure to repay you some time.”

Hux shakes his head, one hand raised. “Oh no, there’s no need for that.”

She shrugs, still smiling. “You’ll still get it anyway. Have a good night. And take care on your way home.”

Hux nods, and turns to leave.

He’s sure he didn’t stay very long in Ysa’s house, but it feels very late as he walks home. The streets has always been empty at this time of the night, and it’s not uncommon for him to still be out at this time, and yet he feels the emptiness and the silence of his surroundings so much more profoundly than in the past.

His heart starts beating faster the longer he walks, and it’s not because of exhaustion. He tries to walk as far away as he can from alley entrances, and he keeps his senses sharp to make sure that no one is following him. He tells himself that this is irrational, that he is being paranoid, that he has nothing to fear—not really—and yet the beating of his heart doesn’t slow. If anything, he starts to hear his own heartbeat, feels his pulse pounding.

He only has to cross a small bridge before he will reach the town square, and from there he’ll be walking straight to home. This is little relief as he did get attacked while walking just past the square to home, but still. He thinks he shouldn’t be so unlucky to get attacked _again_ by walking along the same area.

When he reaches the bridge, Hux freezes just before he reaches the edge, and he curses whichever deity overlooks the galaxy because of course he’d jinx himself like this. He should have never challenged the forces of the galaxy by thinking himself _lucky_.

Just across the bridge, there is an alley along the sidewalk that’s especially dark because the lamplight is close, and the shadow cast by the building blankets it in almost-darkness. But Hux has always been proud of how sharp his senses are, and he can just about see a silhouette hiding in that alley.

He stares for a long while, thinking that maybe it’s just his imagination. There’s just no way he’d be targeted like this. He’s a nobody, just another local person around the area; he doesn’t deserve this kind of attention.

Still, paranoia winning out, Hux starts considering other possible routes that will lead him to the house. He doesn’t take his eyes off that silhouette in the alley as he mentally calculates the amount of time it’ll take him to arrive home depending on which route he will use. The ideal route would be one that’ll lead him home quickly, is properly illuminated, and with very little amount of alleyways. Unfortunately for him, this route doesn’t exist.

The silhouette in the alley shifts slightly, confirming Hux’s suspicions that it is a person hiding there, possibly waiting for someone. Maybe waiting for him. Hux doesn’t know what to do. He’s not confident he can outrun a military person, and it’s very possible that this person is not alone. Maybe they already have him surrounded. Maybe they’re just waiting for him to make a single move before closing in on him.

Before Hux drives himself into panic with his overthinking, the silhouette moves again, stepping slightly into the light, and lifting a hand to pull back his hood to reveal his face. The fear leaves Hux all at once, replaced quickly with annoyance.

Kylo raises a hand and gestures for Hux to come before stepping back into the darkness, blending right in. Hux crosses the bridge, annoyed at Kylo for scaring him, and annoyed at himself for getting scared at all.

The moment he reaches the mouth of the alley, he furiously demands, “What are you doing?”

“Shh!” Kylo grabs his wrist and pulls him into the alley, blanketing them both in darkness. “Quiet,” he says.

Hux purses his lips in displeasure, and crosses his arms across his chest. “What are you doing?” he repeats, obediently whispering. “You’re being a creep.”

Kylo looks out of the alley before turning to Hux, returning his question with his own questions. “What are _you_ doing? It’s late, why aren’t you home yet?”

“I’m a grown man who doesn’t need to be home at a curfew, if you haven’t noticed,” Hux replies, tone sharp. He’s not afraid anymore, but he can’t deny that he’s still a little shaken. “Now tell me why you’re hiding in an alley, and scaring innocent passersby.”

Kylo huffs a small laughter, turning away from Hux to look out of the alley again. “You mean scaring you? This is exactly why you shouldn’t be out this late in the night.”

“It’s not even that late,” Hux protests. He sticks his head out of the alley, trying to see what it is that Kylo’s looking at, but Kylo pulls him back by his collar.

“I’m waiting,” he says, glancing briefly at Hux to tell him to stay put just by the sheer force of his eyes, and then looking out once more.

Hux doesn’t stay put, and sticks his head out again. The streets are deserted, not a single being in sight. “Waiting for what?” he asks. And then he sees two people rounding a corner, walking purposely along the sidewalk on the other side of the bridge. Based on the way they walk, Hux assumes that they’re First Order soldiers. He watches their progression, and then Kylo is pulling him back again—by the elbow this time—while reaching out an arm as if to make a grab for something.

The soldiers’ arms suddenly seem to move on their own, hitting their own heads with the blaster that they’re holding, effectively knocking themselves down on the ground. And then a man and a woman comes jumping out of an alley, briefly looking around, and then kicking the soldiers in the head, probably making sure that they’re unconscious. Then the pair drags the soldiers into the alley with them, and Kylo drops his arm back to his side.

Hux gapes for a second, and then he’s grabbing Kylo by the shoulder, demanding, “What was that? What did you do?” He grabs Kylo’s hand, inspecting his sleeve for a hidden knife holster of some sort, but finds nothing. He also presses on the pads of Kylo’s palm, thinking perhaps they’re not really made of skin and bones. “But I didn’t see anything coming out,” he says to himself. “And your hand looks perfectly normal…”

Kylo bursts out laughing, and Hux looks at him incredulously, not sure how to feel about being laughed at for his ignorance of what seem to be some sort of latest technology shit. He can hardly be blamed; Kita’an is a county that doesn’t see latest technology as soon as they come out.

“Sorry,” Kylo says as soon as he’s done laughing. “This… this may be the first time you’ve ever been excited to see me use the Force.”

“The Force?” Hux repeats, eyes widening slightly. He’s heard of it, or maybe read about it somewhere, but the concept is something he doesn’t completely understand.

Kylo just shakes his head, and then looks out of the alley. It’s back to its state of desertion, not a single sign that two First Order soldiers has just been assaulted by this man, and some two other people.

“Come on,” Kylo says. “I’ll walk you home.”

Hux opens his mouth to say that he doesn’t need to be walked home, but then it’s a chance to stay longer with Kylo, and maybe wheedle out some more answers from him. So he just nods, and follows Kylo out of the alley, walking straight towards the square.

“What about your two companions? I mean, I assume that they’re your accomplices? And the soldiers you just attacked?” Hux asks, glancing back to look at the alley in which the pair and the soldiers has disappeared into.

“Never mind them,” Kylo says, tugging Hux’s wrist to make him focus on where they’re walking. “My ‘accomplices’ will take care of them.”

“What are you planning to do to them?”

“Extract information.”

“Surely, their disappearance will be noticed?”

Kylo glances at him, and then turns back to the space ahead of them. “It won’t take long.”

Hux wants to ask what he means by that, if there’s really a way of ‘extracting information’ from someone that won’t take long. Then maybe he can use it on Kylo to ‘extract’ all the answers to his questions without them being so cryptic.

“How did you even know that those soldiers will be passing through that area?” he asks instead.

Kylo gives him a wry smile, but doesn’t look at him for long. “I think the one thing that came out of you being attacked by those officers some nights ago is the chance to attack them while they’re out on patrol.”

Hux wants to say that it lead Kylo to Hux too, didn’t it, but he keeps that to himself. “They’re on patrol? That’s not very reassuring considering that the people who attacked me are one of them.”

“Perhaps they’re not looking to reassure.”

Hux twists his mouth in agreement because that’s just like the First Order. If they’re beginning to terrorize the towns in the county, Hux fears it might not be long before they’re completely taken over.

A realization dawns on Hux, and he stops for a second, staring at Kylo. When Kylo notices, he also stops and turns to look at Hux, his face contorted in concern. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Are you with the Resistance?” Hux whispers.

Kylo looks away, his brows furrowing together tightly, and his hands curling into fists. He looks almost angry, but when he turns back to Hux, his face relaxes somewhat. “Yes,” he spits out like it’s a dirty word, and then he returns to walking, and Hux has to walk faster to catch up to him.

“Does this mean that the Resistance will free Kita’an?” he asks, elated despite the change in Kylo’s demeanor. It might have been cause for concern at another time, but Hux is currently more concerned about the state of the county.

“Don’t sound so glad,” Kylo says, throwing a dark look in Hux’s way. He’s glaring at nothing in particular, his fists clenched tight. “The Resistance wouldn’t have bothered with this planet if not for the rumors of a plan to turn this planet into the next Starkiller Base.”

“What?” Hux asks, blood turning cold.

“That’s right.” Kylo laughs, a mirthless sound. “In fact, this is not the only planet that’s rumored to be turned into that weapon. _Your_ weapon. As if it’s possible to just create another Starkiller in a beat, not to mention more than one.”

Hux remains silent, throat feeling too tight for him to say anything. But Kylo seems to be talking more to himself than Hux.

“I told her—I told her that the Order is just trying to distract us. That there’s no way Snoke would—that he would _dare_ —create another one without your supervision. I told her it’s impossible, I was _there_ when Starkiller was created and it’s not as easily produced as a Death Star but she didn’t listen. She never does.” Kylo deflates a little as he looks over at Hux, his expression now solemn. “I’m a little thankful that she still sent me here because I found you.”

Hux stares at Kylo, heart beating faster than it did back there at the bridge when he first saw Kylo’s silhouette in the alley. There’s a lot that needs to be addressed in what Kylo has just said, but his mind is glued only to one thing. Of Kylo calling Starkiller Hux’s weapon. And of Snoke, apparently, not daring to build another one without Hux’s supervision.

“Did you call Starkiller my weapon because I was the one who oversaw it?” he asks, whispering this. “During its creation, or its firing?”

Kylo stops walking and reaches out a hand to hold Hux’s arm to stop him, too. He looks at Hux in the eyes now, and again, there is a sadness in his eyes that really makes anger bubble in Hux’s chest. To make matters worse, Kylo’s eyes are gleaming in the light of the lampposts.

“Hux,” he says, gently, delicately. “Starkiller was your pride, your own creation. You _made_ its design, its everything. It was your life’s work.”

Hux looks away, and brings up a hand to cover his mouth. He walks away from Kylo, wishing to leave him behind together with what he knows about Hux, of the person before he is him now. He closes his eyes, and hates that he can see it. See the destruction of the Hosnian System but also see, at the very same time, the children of his class, the people of the town, all smiling at him, taking such good care of him, being concerned about him.

When Kylo grabs his elbow to stop him from walking, he feels himself trembling all over, and he looks at his hands as if they’re foreign to him. When he looks up at Kylo, he’s staring at him like a lost boy, and it doesn’t make sense to Hux. Why is he the one looking lost? Why is he the one so overcome with grief? Why does he even feel grief over the loss of a person such as Hux?

Kylo grabs his hands and squeezes them, adopting the same position as they were in the last time they spoke at the roof. “You don’t know,” he whispers, his eyes still shining. “You don’t know, that’s all.”

Hux swallows the lump in his throat, and when he speaks, his voice is strained. Unsteady. “From what I read,” he begins, swallowing again. “From the holonet, I only oversaw operations in Starkiller. There was never any mention that I was the one who created it. That I designed it.”

“Of course not, Hux,” Kylo says, stroking the backs of his hands just like last time. “Only the people of High Command in your time knew that you made it. Aside from Snoke, and me. There were speculations amongst your officers, but. They never needed to know.”

“There’s not much information on me,” Hux says distractedly. It feels like his mind is shutting down, too overwhelmed. He feels lightheaded. “Not even in First Order records. They sent datapads and holorecords at the school. I checked them.”

“No, I don’t expect there to be.” Kylo moves their bodies around so that they’re both facing the road, Hux’s bag slung on his other side so that it doesn’t get in between him and Kylo. One of Kylo’s hand is now around Hux’s shoulders to support him, the other one still holding Hux’s hand. They start walking again, the house just a few blocks away now. “Snoke made sure there’s only very minimal information that can be learned about you now, and I think he would have completely erased you from First Order history if he could.”

“But why?”

“Because you’re a traitor.”

“So what?”

“You planned to stage a coup with me.” That makes Hux look up in surprise, and Kylo squeezes his shoulder. “With me, and the entire crew of the _Finalizer_ , and most of the other people of High Command. They were all rallying behind you. They all supported you. So when you and I disappeared, Snoke declared us traitors and dead, killed the people of High Command, replaced them with officers who would be loyal or afraid of him, and erased any information on you that might inspire other people. Only those who were a part of the coup knew about it, and Snoke silenced them. According to First Order history, there was never any attempt at a coup. And the Republic and the Resistance still believe that the First Order is as united as it first started.”

“Why did you and I even disappear?” Hux asks, unafraid to look at Kylo now. The throbbing sensation in his chest is receding, but his light-headedness is not going away.

Kylo presses his lips together in a thin line, and doesn’t say anything in response. His silence lasts until they arrive at Hux’s house, and then he’s unwrapping himself from Hux, letting his hand go. He seems to force himself to look at Hux as he says, “I’ll answer at another time. For now, you need rest.”

Hux nods, agreeing, and jumps a little when Kylo presses his lips against Hux’s forehead. When he draws back, his eyes are gleaming again, and his smile is strained with sadness. “Good night, Hux,” he says, and then he’s walking away, without even looking back, shoulder heavily hunched together.

Hux watches him for a moment before entering the house, softly closing the door behind him. He doesn’t let go of the knob immediately, instead leaning his forehead against the door, and closing his eyes tightly.

He doesn’t know how long he stays there, but he only unsticks his head from the door when he hears Anita’s footsteps. When he turns, Anita is standing by the opening that leads to the hallway, and her expressions turns to concern upon seeing Hux.

“You’re late,” she says. “Did something happen to you?”

Hux shakes his head and moves away from the door, dropping his bag beside the couch. He goes to stand in front of Anita, and tries to smile. “Just tired,” he says. “Can I have a calming balm?”

Anita searches his face for a moment, but doesn’t question him further. She nods, and turns away from him, heading for her room, “Let me go get it.”

Hux goes to collapse on the couch, shielding his eyes from the light with his arm. He only removes it once he hears Anita coming back to the room, and when she hands him the balm, he’s grateful that she doesn’t say anything about his tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talk to me on [Tumblr](http://ky-huxed.tumblr.com/)!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags have been updated. I forgot about Hux's Force-sensitivity. Tags may be added in the future; nothing too drastic. I suck at tags.

A buzzing sound from the distance catches Hux’s attention, making him frown at the fruit that he’s holding in his hand, although he doesn’t look up. The buzzing gets louder— _closer_ , Hux thinks—and it’s a familiar sound—only, he can’t put a finger on what exactly produces it. But then he realizes it a few seconds later, and he looks up at the sky, searching for the direction from which the sound is coming from. And then suddenly, a number of starfighters and transports are zooming past overhead, heading straight for the county’s capital city.

There are many others besides Hux who watches the starfighters and transports continue on their flight, and the entire town square falls silent before quickly filling up with murmurings and chatter. Hux continues to stare off into the distance where the ships have gone, deep in thought.

“What was that, you think?” the vendor of the stall Hux is in front of asks conversationally. “More First Order people?”

Hux doesn’t respond, but he doesn’t think those ships are of the Order. He knows what most of them look like from when they first landed and made base here on Kita’an, and he doesn’t recognize the ships that just flew past.

There’s a commotion that arises from somewhere behind him, and he turns to see the First Order soldiers in town hurriedly moving through the crowd in the square. They quickly jump into their speeders, and are zooming out of town one after the other, probably leaving the town bare of First Order speeders for the first time since they’ve arrived.

Many are now looking at one another with confusion, and the vendor in front of Hux says, “What’s going on?” Hux puts down the fruit he’s holding in his hand, and hurriedly gets out of the square to head home.

When he arrives, Anita looks up at him from the couch where she’s reading, and she frowns at Hux when she sees that he’s returned without any groceries. But he ignores her and goes straight for the holo, grabbing its remote on the coffee table, and turning it on.

“What’s going on?” she asks as Hux starts changing the channels. There’s something big going on which should surely be broadcasted on the holo.

“There were starfighters and transport ships heading for the city,” Hux says to Anita distractedly, still flicking through the channels. “They didn’t look like First Order ships.”

Anita doesn’t say anything, and Hux stops on a channel that’s blaring out _Breaking News!_ on the screen. The holo is showing a close-up on the incoming ships in the city where the Count’s castle is, and First Order starfighters are being launched from the castle to meet the newcomers.

“It’s the Resistance!” a commentator off-screen exclaims, and then the First Order fighters and the newcomers are shooting one another. The focus on the screen pans from the ships engaged in a shoot-out to the infrastructure below that are taking the stray blows, buildings exploding to rubble, and civilians screaming and running out of the way. And then the focus pans again towards the transport ships landing, blaster fire greeting the people who come out of the ship who then shoot right back at the stormtroopers.

“It’s the Resistance! The Resistance!” the commentator continues on joyfully. “They’ve come to free us from the First Order! We can see them fighting the stormtroopers, look!” The holo zooms in to Resistance soldiers taking shelter from behind the destroyed buildings to shoot at stormtroopers, and then shifts focus to the stormtroopers who are taking more shots than the Resistance soldiers did. More stray blows are coming from the airborne fight above, some also taking out the troopers along with the buildings.

“Oh, heavens, you and I will probably have to go to the city when this is over,” Anita says as she and Hux watch the holo zoom out for a much wider view of the city. There’s destruction arching around the front of the castle which is probably the only remaining building that’s standing within that arch. There are random blown up buildings here and there from the starfighters, and civilians are still running away from the battlefield. There are already fallen bodies within the arch, and they’re not exclusively stormtroopers.

The holo suddenly zooms in again, but this time it goes straight towards the main entrance of the castle. There are people walking out of the doors, and Hux’s breath hitches.

The first to step out is the Commandant of the First Order, the highest ranking officer who’s occupying the county, and from whom all the orders are issued. With him caught, the Order will have no choice but to surrender to the Resistance. But he’s not the person that catches Hux’s eyes; it’s the two people who’re holding him. They’re the pair of man and woman who were with Kylo the other night. Which means that Kylo should be around somewhere.

Hux searches the holo for Kylo, but he’s nowhere to be found. The only other people with the man and woman are the Count and a handful of his men. They all look to be safe, unwounded, but Hux is still worried. He can’t remember seeing Kylo fighting in the battlefield but he could have been there, and maybe Hux didn’t see him because he got injured, shot. Hux doesn’t want to think of anything happening beyond that.

There seems to be celebratory noises coming from the commentator on the holo, and when Hux tunes back in to what she’s saying, she’s going on about how the Count appears to be safe, and how the First Order are now surrendering to the Resistance. The holo moves from the view of the Count towards a transport ship landing, and along the way, it can be seen that Resistance soldiers are already rounding up stormtroopers and some Order officers. The transport ship’s ramp comes open and many more Resistance members are coming out. But the holo zooms in to one particular woman, and the commentator practically squeals, “It’s General Leia Organa!”

Hux recognizes the name General Leia Organa, and knows that she’s one of the people who organized the Resistance to fight against the Order, and that she, with her fellows, lead the Resistance against the Order during the Battle of Starkiller Base. If what Kylo said about the Starkiller Base being his most valued creation is true (he still doesn’t want to believe it), he wonders if maybe he hated her in the past.

But all that he feels towards her now is only mild curiosity. He’s mostly occupied with worry for Kylo, and he still can’t find him anywhere on the holo. Not for the first time, he wishes that he knew how to find him, knew where to go to see him, and not be left like this, just waiting for the next time Kylo decides to come and appear in front of Hux. It’s almost unfair, really. He doesn’t like to be left wanting like this.

He only realizes he’s been staring blankly at the holo when he feels Anita’s hand gently touching his arm. He startles slightly, and turns to look at her.

“Are you alright?” she asks, now standing beside him, having abandoned the couch and her book. She withdraws her hand, and although she doesn’t look overmuch concerned, her carefully impassive face gives her away. Hux is thankful that she, at least, tries to hide her concern.

“I’m fine,” he tells her, turning back to the holo that’s now showing General Organa, the Count, and the rest of them heading back inside the castle. The captured stormtroopers and Order officers are being led to the transports while the rest of the Resistance are helping out the injured and carrying off the fallen. Hux keeps his eye out for someone familiar, but he recognizes no one. He thinks this ought to relieve him. But he’s not.

The commentator is now talking about logistics, the facts that they’re able to gather so far, and then the speculations. There’s a massive destruction surrounding the castle, and the commentator is saying something about help being needed from food to clothing to housing. The castle being surrounded by mostly commercial buildings, it’s only expected that a lot of people are now jobless aside from being homeless. But putting all those things aside, it’s very relieving that Kita’an is finally free from the First Order. And then the commentator goes on waxing poetic about the Resistance, and Hux stops listening.

“We’ll have to sort through our things for donations,” Anita says, and then touches Hux’s arm again to get him to look at her. He turns. “You have not been well since… the attack,” she says, her eyes boring into his. “Is there anything I can do?”

Hux shakes his head in an immediate reply, and Anita raises a brow. She needn’t say it; Hux knows that she’s thinking about that time when he was despairing over his identity and lost memories. She didn’t know him as well at that time, and it took her a long time to forcefully intervene, but Hux had needed her intervention, and he knows she’s wary of letting him reach that level of despair again. But he shakes his head again, more firmly, taking her hand in his and squeezing.

“I’m telling the truth, Anita. I am fine.”

“Well.” She folds her hands together in front of her when Hux lets go, her gaze not exactly doubtful but curious. “Be that as it may, there’s still something bothering you. I didn’t mention this before because it’s none of my business, but Rusi has mentioned that you brought a man with you to the roof—oh, I don’t know—a week or so ago? Is he the one troubling you?”

Hux flushes guiltily and hates himself for it because he usually has more control over his reactions, although Anita has always been good at drawing them out. She’s also terrifyingly good at reading him. But what’s more irritating is that he shouldn’t even really be worrying about Kylo as much as he is. And yet here he is, worried enough for Anita to notice.

And Anita has the gall to giggle at his reaction, covering her mouth with a hand. She waves that same hand at him when he glares at her, and although she stops giggling, her eyes are too bright with amusement. “Sorry, sorry, just… I wasn’t expecting that. So, you found yourself a… a lover, then? Is he from the city?” She glances at the holo that’s still showing shots of the city, some replays of the battle for the commentator to scrutinize, and her amusement tampers down. “Is that why you’re worried?”

“No!” Hux answers swiftly, feeling his cheeks getting hotter. “I mean, no, he’s not my… my lover.” Saying that word aloud makes Hux blush even harder, and he thinks he’s going to spontaneously combust with how hot he feels. He presses his hands against his cheeks, hoping to transfer some of the coolness over, and glares at Anita when she smirks at him. “Although, maybe he’s from the city,” he adds, thoughtfully. “I don’t actually know. I didn’t ask.”

“Well, you’re just awful at romantic pursuits, aren’t you?” Anita says, moving back to the couch and picking up her book. She’s still looking at Hux, though. “Better take what you can have if you don’t want to grow old alone.”

“Maybe I want to.”

Anita ducks her head to look at him through the top of her spectacles. “Do you?”

Hux chooses not to answer, and turns to head for his room. “Sort through our things for donations, you said?” he calls back, and he hears Anita’s snort.

“This is not the last of this conversation, Kal,” she says after him, and he grumbles to himself as he enters his room.

*

In the next few days, there’s nothing else in the holo but reports on what’s going on in the city, specifically the reparations and the Count’s return to power. The Resistance has transported all members of the First Order back to their home base for questioning and trial while General Organa and the remaining members of the Resistance will be staying in the county for a few days to help with reparations.

In commemoration of the Resistance’s victory and the return of Kita’an’s freedom, the Count has issued for a holiday in the whole county, and for the day to be celebrated in every city, town, and village. The mayor in Hux’s town has jumped at the idea, and quickly organized for the town square to be decorated, and announced that they are all to be blasting music, singing, and dancing for the whole day.

And among all of the festivities that’s happening around him, Hux’s mind is still on Kylo.

There has been reports on the life casualties, and thankfully, there weren’t many civilian deaths. Many are injured, but it’s the Resistance that has suffered more loss of life. This, of course, is no relief to Hux as, as far as he knows, Kylo is a member of the Resistance. Hux still hasn’t seen him anywhere even if there has been a lot of holos of his two companions.

This is what leads him into the thick of the celebration that’s happening in the town square even though he doesn’t care much for overly crowded places. He’s hoping that maybe Kylo will finally come to put an end to his worries, but he’s not having much luck. He’s been in the square for the most part of the day, and all that’s happened is people who are familiar with him pulling him into a dance. No matter how much he tells them that he can’t dance, they won’t relent. They even tried to make him sing.

As he continues his directionless wandering, he spots Ysa and Soria by themselves, holding a variety of flowers in their arms. There’s been many of those too, the flowers, being handed to people for free, and also as a part of decorations all over the square. Many has given him flowers, but he always manages to give them back to other people, if only to make them titter and giggle. Now, Ysa and Soria who have flowers in their hairs, have spotted him, and are enthusiastically bounding over to him.

“Kal!” they exclaim in unison, beaming up at him. “I’m not sick anymore!” Ysa announces.

Hux bends down to his knees to get to their level, smiling back at them. “I’m glad, Ysa. It’s good to see you so healthy.”

“Mom says it’s thanks to your medicine, so thank you!” Ysa grins. “I’m so glad I didn’t miss the celebration. Look! Soria has braided my hair and put flowers in it.” She turns her head to show off her braids, and Soria beams proudly.

“That’s very well done, Soria,” Hux says, genuinely feeling lifted up from his worries, even just for a little bit.

“Ysa also did my hair,” Soria says, also turning her head. “She put flowers in my hair first, so I also put flowers in hers. They’re so pretty.”

“We got a lot of flowers when we asked for some,” Ysa says, indicating the flowers in their arms. “Now we have too much and we don’t know what to do with them.” She brightens up, and looks at Hux with gleaming eyes. He almost doesn’t want to know what she has in her mind. “We can braid your hair and put flowers in them, too!”

Soria also brightens up, looking over at Ysa as if she just thought of the most amazing thing. Hux keeps smiling, but he shakes his hand. “Oh no, I don’t think they would suit me,” he says.

“But you’re beautiful!” Ysa exclaims like that’s good enough reason to braid and put flowers in his hair. Actually, she seems to think that’s reason enough for anything when it comes to him.

“And we don’t want to waste the flowers, Kal,” Soria adds, looking down at the flowers forlornly.

Hux hesitates, but he recognizes a losing battle. So he sighs resignedly, and gets back to his full height. “Fine. Let’s go find a seat so you can do it properly.”

Ysa and Soria exchanges victorious looks, and the three of them move around the square searching for an available seat. They settle on a concrete block that’s bordering a waterway, and Hux gestures at his hair as he sits down. “Have at it, then,” he says.

They pass him the flowers when they realized they can’t get to work with their arms full of them, and Hux ends up with an armful of flowers while the two girls take position on each side of him.

“You braid that part, and I braid this part, and then we can tie them together after,” Ysa says to Soria who quickly agrees.

So the two girls work on his hair while Hux sits still, wondering how this looks to other people. Probably ridiculous; a man like him having his hair braided by two girls like this. It makes a funny picture in his head, and he can just imagine people laughing and making fun of him. This really isn’t helping his image.

And he’s mostly right on this when people start noticing them. The women and the children mostly giggle and then compliment him, although they don’t sound like they’re mocking him. Surprisingly, their compliments seem sincere, and that just makes Hux blush. Some men catcall him, even wink at him, telling him the hair suits him. Hux is sure they’re only teasing him, not really making fun of him, but it doesn’t make Hux feel good all the same. He feels embarrassed for the most part.

When Ysa and Soria finishes braiding his hair, and has managed to tie them together without any hair tie, they start on putting on the flowers, digging the stalk into his hair so they don’t fall down. A passing woman and her child who actually goes to Hux’s class sees them, and comes over to participate on putting flowers in Hux’s hair.

“You look very beautiful, Mr Kal,” the woman says with a bright smile. “You’re truly deserving of your name.”

Hux flushes, and gives the woman a small smile. “Thank you. There’s no need to call me Mister.”

The children, thankfully, finishes moments later, and Hux can actually feel a little bit of weight on his head. He fears seeing himself on a mirror and finding out that the children has effectively made a nest on his hair. The other child bids Hux and the two girls goodbye, he and his mother waving at them as they leave. Ysa and Soria moves to stand in front of him, beaming with such pride.

“Kal, _kal tu’s’era_!” Ysa exclaims, with Soria nodding fiercely beside her.

Despite being reluctant about this whole thing, Hux can’t help but smile at the two. At least they look happy and accomplished. He tucks a stray lock of hair behind his ear, and then delicately touches the braids. “Thank you, Ysa, Soria. I’m sure it’ll be fun untangling the flowers from my hair later.”

The two grin at him, unrepentant, and Hux was going to tell them to go on and have fun at someone else’s expense when the words die in his throat upon seeing the man he’s been searching for standing behind the two girls.

Kylo looks well enough, showing no signs of injury, which makes Hux wonder if he even fought in the battle. But what matters is that he’s here, currently gaping at Hux, lips slightly parted.

Hux’s eyes gets drawn back to Ysa and Soria when the two turn around to look at Kylo, and then back to Hux. And then they look at one another, silently communicating, and then shrugs at each other. Hux looks on with interest until the two girls are turning back to him again, and says, “We’ll be going now, Kal!”

“See you in class!”

And just like that, they’re off running into the crowd, leaving Hux with Kylo who is _still_ gaping at him. Hux sighs, reaching up to touch his hair once more. “I know, ridiculous, right?” he says, grimacing, and dropping his hand. “Still, I couldn’t say no to those kids…”

Aside from gaping at Hux, there seems to be spots of color appearing around Kylo’s cheeks. Hux also flushes, feeling even more embarrassed now than he did when all of those other people have complimented him.

“What?” he demands, slightly defensive. “What is it? Why are _you_ blushing?”

“You’re…” Kylo starts, and then he looks away, bringing up a hand to cover his mouth. When he turns back to Hux, he drops his hand and reveals the full redness of his face. “You’re so beautiful.”

It’s Hux’s turn to look away, Kylo’s eyes too intense for him. There’s something with the way Kylo is looking at him now that makes him think back to what Anita had called him: Hux’s _lover_. The thought makes his face grow hotter, even as he says to Kylo, “What’s gotten into you? This is the moment you burst out laughing!”

“It’s just… you’re so… I just…”

“Stop speaking!” Hux turns to glare at him, and Kylo obediently closes his mouth. He attempts to run a hand across his hair, remembers that he can’t, and settles with tucking invisible strands behind his ear.

Kylo can’t seem to resist, and opens his mouth to speak. “Come with me,” he says.

Hux shoots him a suspicious look, but it comes across more as curious. “Where to?”

“Just…” Kylo looks around them, at the crowd milling around, and the dancing that’s going on nearby. “Away from here. From this crowd.” He turns back to Hux, blinking his eyes. “You don’t like crowds. Still.”

 _Still_? Hux echoes in his head, also looking around. And then he relents, stands up, and dusts his trousers. “Lead the way, then,” he says, thinking that he should be the one leading Kylo around here.

But Kylo only nods and starts walking, strides sure, as if he knows exactly where to bring Hux. Maybe he does, Hux considers as he follows him. Maybe Kylo spent his time sneaking around the town, the city, whenever he’s not around for Hux to see him.

They get out of the square without speaking to one another, and then towards the edges of the town that leads to the river where the waterway around the town ends. Hux thinks maybe they’ll come to a stop at one of the benches by the river as this part of town is nearly deserted save for a few other people, and the celebration on the square is now but a faint whisper of stray sounds, but Kylo leads him further. Further until they reach the edges of the forest that leads to the mountains, and where they are completely alone, blanketed in silence.

There are boulders dotting the mix of dirt, stones, and grass around them, and Kylo heads straight for ones that seem suitable for sitting. Indeed, just as Hux suspected, Kylo sits down on a boulder and pats the space beside him in an invitation for Hux. Hux sighs, and inspects the space for mud before sitting down, wincing a little from the cold of the surface.

Kylo looks at him with amusement, and even though there’s a few inches that separates the two of them, Hux thinks he’s too close, sitting beside Hux like this. “Still afraid of dirt, too,” Kylo muses.

Hux frowns at him, spreading his legs to their full length in front of him, and then crossing them together by the ankle. He settles his hands on his lap, fingers laced. “I’m not scared of dirt,” he says.

Kylo smiles, eyes lingering on his hair, and then he looks away towards the forest. Hux looks too, wonders what has happened to the shuttle he’s crashed in there when he first arrived to this planet, unconscious, a little battered from the crash, to be later found by Anita who had slapped him awake enough for her to help him get into town.

He doesn’t have a very vivid memory of what exactly happened. What he knows is mostly what Anita has told him later on.

“You crashed your shuttle in there?” Kylo suddenly says, turning back to him with a frown.

Hux draws back a little, frowning back at Kylo, heart thudding a little faster. He grips his fingers tighter, though not digging his nails into his skin. “How do you do that?” he asks, eyes narrowing. “How do you seem to know what’s in my mind?”

Kylo looks like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t be doing, and then that changes to reluctance. He looks away from Hux, curling his fingers together, and Hux unlaces his hands to grab Kylo’s arm.

“Tell me,” he says, a mixture of command and plead.

“Sorry,” Kylo says, and Hux doesn’t know if he’s apologizing because he won’t answer Hux’s question or for something else. Kylo shakes his head. “I… I’ll answer your question. It’s just… I don’t know where to begin.”

“Just answer my question,” Hux says.

Kylo still hesitates, but he’s looking at Hux now. “It’s the Force,” he says. “I can… sort of catch a little bit of your thoughts. I can read what’s on the surface of your mind.” At Hux’s wide-eyed stare, he hastily adds, “I’m not doing it on purpose. Although I admit I can’t resist reading what I can. I was never able to read your mind in the past. Sorry.”

Hux reflects back to the things he’d thought of around Kylo, although he can’t actually remember them. But he remembers thinking, just a few moments ago, how Anita had called Kylo his lover. He blushes, casting that thought away as fast as he can, but he sees Kylo’s cheeks also turning pink. Hux, then, realizes that his hands are still on Kylo’s arm, and he withdraws them, curling his fingers into his palms.

“What do you mean you couldn’t read my mind before?” Hux asks, desperate to break this tension that has settled between them. “Is there a way for me to do that now?”

Kylo hesitates again, looking more like he doesn’t know how to answer. “I suppose you can… build a sort of shield around your thoughts, but…” he pauses, looking conflicted. “You did it using the Force. In the past.”

“What?” Hux says. “The Force?”

“You’re Force-sensitive, Hux,” Kylo says, almost a whisper. As if he doesn’t want to say it.

“You mean… I can…” Hux closes his mouth to stop himself from stammering, and gives himself a pause to recollect himself. When he speaks again, his voice doesn’t waver. “I have the same power as you?”

“You can’t use it now,” Kylo says, face pinching in a way that suggests he’s forcing himself to speak. He completely turns away from Hux so that Hux can’t see his face anymore. “You locked it away. Together with your memories. You can’t use it.”

“I locked…?” Hux faintly repeats, chest constricting. It almost feels as if he can’t breathe for a moment and he has to force his words out. “What are you saying?”

Kylo stands up from the boulder and walks a few steps away, keeping his back to Hux. His shoulders are tense, fists clenched tightly, but his head is down, and when he speaks, his voice trembles. “You locked your memories away. I sensed it when I first saw you, and you didn’t recognize me.”

Silence envelopes them as Hux tries to wrap his head around this information. Here’s another thing that he doesn’t want to believe, that he can’t understand the logic to. It seems that the more he learns of who he was, the more he loses understanding of his own self.

“You mean, I did this to myself?” he asks, faintly. Kylo doesn’t give him an answer, just continues standing there, looking grief-stricken, repentant, but Hux doesn’t need an answer. Not to that question anyway. “But why?” he continues. “Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know,” Kylo says, lifting a hand to his face. Hux wonders if he’s crying. “Or maybe I do know,” he adds thoughtfully, and then shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

After a moment, Hux takes pity on Kylo who now has both hands on his face. He’s not sobbing, but his breathing is getting heavier. It’s strange how Kylo is taking the situation harder than Hux, although perhaps it is harder on him because he’s the one who has all of his memories. But stranger still is how much the situation seems to pain him.

Hux stands up from the boulder and walks over to him, slowly raising a hand and laying it against Kylo’s shoulder blade. He steps close enough until there’s but a few inches between them, and he lays his forehead on Kylo’s back. “I’m sorry.”

Kylo sniffs, just once, and then asks, “What for?” He seems to have removed his hands from his face as his voice doesn’t come out muffled.

“I don’t know,” Hux shrugs.

Kylo shifts on his feet, so Hux unsticks both his forehead and hand from Kylo’s back. He slowly turns to face Hux, and although there’s no visible tear-tracks across his cheeks, there’s a dampness to his face, and his eyes are still shining too brightly.

“I should be the one saying that,” he says, looking down briefly but resolutely returning his eyes to Hux’s. “This is all my fault.”

“You’re not the one who did this to me,” Hux says, softly. “I’m the one to blame.”

Kylo’s face constricts again, but he presses his lips together tightly, refusing to say any more. He looks down at their feet, and Hux searches for something else to say, something to divert them away from this subject. For now.

The first thing that comes to Hux’s mind is the specifics of his and Kylo’s relationship in the past. He tries to search for something else, but he can’t seem to think about anything else. He knows that he and Kylo were co-commanders. That they thought up a coup together. What he doesn’t know is if they were close to each other, and how close exactly. From Kylo’s reactions to what’s happening, they seem to be quite close. But were they only… friends?

Hux remembers that Kylo can read minds, but Kylo still has his head down, not giving Hux any signs that he knows what Hux is thinking. So Hux gathers his courage whilst thinking of different ways to properly ask the question, and decides on a subtle but straightforward way.

“Kylo,” he calls, and Kylo looks up at him. He opens his mouth once, twice, and only manages to get the words out the third time. “You and I… what were we? In the past?” Kylo doesn’t look confused at the question but he stays quiet, so Hux adds, “Our relationship. Were we… friends?”

Kylo shakes his head, doesn’t seem to have any problems answering this. “We weren’t friends, not really.”

“More than friends, then?” Hux asks, flushing.

Kylo stares at him for a moment before answering, “We never called ourselves anything. We were co-commanders, but beyond that, we never labeled our relationship.” He looks up briefly, in thought, and then returns his eyes to Hux. “Partners, I think, is a fitting name. More so than lovers. You would have hated that word. But partners… well, we were partners in crime.” He smiles wryly.

“I don’t understand,” Hux says.

Kylo’s smile widens a little, but it’s just as wry, a little pained. “People from the outside never did.”

A pang of pain strikes Hux in the chest, and he doesn’t even have to think hard on why that statement hurt. To think that he is one of these _people from the outside_ when he’s one of the people involved. Although, in retrospect, he’s not really that person anymore. They’re one and the same, but separate. He doesn’t even know that person. Perhaps he _is_ an outsider now.

“That’s not what I meant,” Kylo says with a frown, reconfirming to Hux that he really is able to read what he’s thinking.

But Hux only shakes his head, turning away from Kylo and going back to the boulder to sit. “I know what you meant,” he says.

Still, Kylo continues to stand there, looking like a reprimanded child. Hux sighs, wondering how much younger Kylo is compared to him.

He lifts a hand to his hair, and remembers that he still has a nest on his head. He sighs again, and an idea comes to him. “Kylo,” he calls in a reconciliatory tone.

Kylo looks up at him, eyes droopy and lips slightly on a pout. Something in Hux’s chest throbs then, which he pointedly ignores. “Will you help me?” he asks, pointing to his hair.

The look on Kylo’s face only makes the throbbing more noticeable, and Hux has no choice but to resign himself to it.


	4. Chapter 4

When all of the flowers has finally been untangled from Hux’s hair, he reaches behind his head in search for the knot that Ysa and Soria had made to tie his braids together. He releases an impatient breath when all he ends up doing is getting the knot tighter, and then Kylo’s hand is on his, gently prying them away.

“Let me,” he says, and Hux drops his hands.

He sits still beside Kylo as the latter leans backwards to have access to his braid’s knot. When the position seems to strain Kylo, Hux turns his head a little to give him full view of the back of his head. He feels Kylo’s hands make quick work on the tangle of his hair, and a moment later, his hair finally flows free.

Kylo begins to unravel one side of Hux’s braids, and Hux lifts a hand to do the other. They adjust their position so that they’re facing one another again, and Hux closes his eyes briefly when he feels Kylo’s hand brushing lightly against his cheek.

Braids finally undone, Hux settles both hands on his lap while Kylo slowly combs his fingers through Hux’s hair. He stares for a moment, and then draws back with a hum of approval. When his gaze shifts to Hux’s eyes, they hold something in them that makes Hux silently catch his breath.

“This—your hair… it suits you,” he says, and Hux looks away, afraid of getting swept away by Kylo’s eyes and voice. Instead, he gathers a lock of hair, holds it in between his fingers, and stares at the shift of light that reflects on the strands.

“Anita encouraged me to let them grow,” he says, to change the atmosphere, to divert them away from what feels like an inevitable. He’s not yet ready to admit to the feelings that are now largely occupying his chest. They feel foreign to him, something that the talk of the past may have ignited in him. He’s not sure it’s completely _his_ , and not just a remnant of something within his lost memories.

“I’m glad you did,” Kylo says, sounding a lot like he’s humoring Hux. Hux would have glared at him if he doesn’t feel grateful for it. But then he adds, “You would have never allowed it, in the past,” and Hux glowers at him.

Having had enough for the day, he gets up from the boulder and gestures for Kylo to do the same. “Let’s head back,” he says.

Kylo only nods and stands up from the boulder. They walk again in silence back towards the town, their arms sometimes brushing against one another with how close they are walking side by side. There’s really no need for them to keep close as they’re the only ones on the path, but Hux doesn’t distance himself. He finds that he rather likes the warmth from Kylo.

At some point, Hux gets the strong urge to grab Kylo’s hand. He thinks of the long fingers in his hair just moments ago, and how warm they were against his skin, how nice they felt brushing lightly against his cheek. He wonders if Kylo has callouses on his palms, if they would feel rough on his. Hux himself doesn’t have calloused hands. He assumes he’s never done much physical work in the past, and he really doesn’t still.

And then, halfway through the path to town, he feels Kylo’s fingers gently touching his. It’s so light that it could very well be accidental, but the way the pads of their fingers perfectly press together makes it obvious to Hux that it’s intentional. He blushes, and remembers that Kylo can read his mind, but he doesn’t pull away. When it happens a few more times after that, he tries to outwardly pretend that he doesn’t notice.

Once they’ve entered town, something occurs to Hux, and he turns to Kylo. “You have to tell me how to find you,” he says. “I can’t just keep on waiting for you to show up.”

Kylo pauses as if deliberating this, and then nods. “I’m currently staying at the city with… the others. But once they leave, I’m going to move to some nearby inn here in town.”

“You’re not leaving with them?” Hux asks lightly but he’s internally washed with relief.

“I can’t,” Kylo says, looking at him. “Not without you.”

“Oh.” Hux falls silent for a second, and then says in jest, “I’m glad you’re not just going to take me away, then.”

Kylo inhales sharply, and then looks away. Hux narrows his eyes, and tugs on Kylo’s arm to make him look at Hux.

“What is it?” he asks. “Were you thinking of doing that?”

“Of course not!” Kylo looks at him now with wide eyes and a slightly manic look in them. “No, I would never—not aga—I… no, no. I wasn’t thinking that. No.”

“You’re keeping something from me,” Hux says, hand still on Kylo’s arm and digging his nails a little. “What is it? Tell me.”

Kylo shakes his head, and puts a hand over Hux’s. He squeezes Hux’s hand before pulling them away, although he keeps a hold on them for a little longer. “No, not right now, please. I can’t—I don’t want you to—please, Hux.” He stops them in the middle of the street, and other people had to avoid bumping into them. But Hux’s attention is only on Kylo who’s earnestly gazing down at him. “Some other time. Please?”

Hux stares into Kylo’s eyes for a moment, and then nods. He squeezes Kylo’s hand back, and feels the loss when Kylo lets go. They go back to walking, making their way towards the square now, and Hux thinks fast for something to dispel the heavy atmosphere that’s settled over them.

“During the attack,” he starts, brightening at having found a fairly safe topic to talk about, “of the Resistance, I didn’t see you. On the holo. Your two companions were there, but you weren’t. Did you even fight?”

Kylo makes an indignant noise at the back of his throat, and Hux looks over to him with raised eyebrows. “Of course, I did,” he says, his offense clear as he looks back at Hux. “I led that mission, you know. I didn’t show my face on the holo because I don’t want Snoke sending the Knights after me. Let them believe that I’m still lost both to the Order and the Resistance.”

“Snoke doesn’t know you’re with the Resistance?” Hux asks with surprise.

“No,” Kylo says, shoulders slumping slightly. “That’s… for another time. I didn’t even really want to fight for the Resistance and they never really made me fight for them. This is the first time I’ve left the base since I got there. I just—I don’t belong with them, Hux. My loyalty does not lie with them.”

“Does it still lie with the Order?” Hux asks, his words coming out sharp even though it’s a completely ridiculous idea. After all, Kylo just apparently led the mission to kick the Order out of Kita’an.

Kylo seems to be thinking somewhere along the same lines as he’s now looking at Hux with disbelief. “Of course not,” he says, his voice surprisingly gentle. “My loyalty is with you alone.”

Hux reassesses the reason why Kylo is in disbelief. It’s not because Hux thought to question his loyalties when his actions are stating otherwise. He’s in disbelief because Hux thought that he would be loyal to anyone else but him.

 _Well, to the past me_ , Hux thinks, shifting his gaze forwards and pressing his lips together tightly. He wonders if his past self always had such confidence in Kylo’s loyalty. Had full trust in him, maybe even readily relied on Kylo.

“You rarely relied on anyone,” Kylo says, making Hux look back to him. “And you only trusted me because you had full confidence in your… methods.”

“I don’t think I want to know what those methods are,” Hux says.

Kylo gives him a wry smile, shrugging. “It’s not that bad. It’s all consensual.”

Hux blushes when his mind concludes that sex must have been included in those ‘methods’, and Kylo, unexpectedly, laughs. A genuinely amused laugh. If Hux doesn’t find the sound of his laughter so pleasant in his ears, maybe his glare would have more intensity to them.

“Sorry,” Kylo eventually says, putting a hand over his mouth in an attempt to stop himself from laughing. He doesn’t actually sound very sorry at all, but Hux finds he doesn’t mind much. He’s starting to hate the grief-stricken apologies that Kylo has been giving him so far.

“Can you please stop reading my mind?” Hux asks, putting as much bite as he can in his words which is not a lot. The throbbing feeling is back in his chest, making him feel pleasantly warm inside.

When he’s finally had his fill of laughter, Kylo releases a loud exhale, shaking his head. “I can try, I guess,” he says to Hux, “but I’ve already said that I can’t really resist.”

Hux sighs, and steps closer to Kylo to avoid the passing crowd. They’ve reached the square, and are once again surrounded by people. “You’d better continue trying,” he says, close to Kylo’s ear.

He startles a little when Kylo suddenly wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him even closer. When he looks up, Kylo is smirking at him, and is leaning closer to whisper in his ear, “I could never really resist you, Hux.”

He shudders at the sound of Kylo’s deep voice, at his breath tickling his jaw, and then Kylo is pulling away, and Hux is again filled with warmth that he knows is showing on his face, especially when Kylo grins smugly at him. Hux resists the strong urge to wipe that smug look off his face with a smack, and crosses his arms together instead, just in case.

“You’re messing with me,” he accuses weakly.

Kylo raises an eyebrow, his lips stretched to a small smile. “I’m not messing with you,” he says. He pulls them to a full stop on the side of the street, out of all the moving crowds’ way, and grabs hold of Hux’s hand. “I have to go now.”

Hux stamps down on the disappointment that fills him, and nods. “Alright.” He doesn’t jump this time when Kylo leans close to kiss him on the corner of his mouth. He still does turn very red, however, especially because there are people who may have seen, no matter how brief the kiss is.

“I’ll see you soon,” Kylo whispers, and then he’s dropping Hux’s hand and walking away, blending right into the crowd.

Hux stays standing still for a moment, lifting a hand to press against the spot where Kylo had kissed him. He imagines himself turning his head slightly and brushing his lips against Kylo’s, wonders what that would feel like. And then he shakes the thought away, drops his hand, and heads for home.

When he gets there, Anita asks about his day at the celebration, and he flushes at the memory of Kylo. Things have happened that probably should need more of his attention, but what’s vivid in his head are Kylo’s touches. He tells Anita about Ysa and Soria braiding and putting flowers in his hair, and pretends that that’s what has him so flustered.

Anita isn’t convinced, and very pointedly makes it known, but Hux ignores her.

*

Hux doesn’t see Kylo again for the next few days, and even though he knows he will also not see him in the holos, he still watches the news every night, hoping to get any indication on Kylo’s movements.

General Organa and Kylo’s two companions leave Kita’an three days after the county-wide celebration, and the Count, along with the people, see them off as saviors. Hux watches the holo of the departure with anxiety, wondering if Kylo is really able to stay, and comforts himself with the fact that there are other Resistance members who will remain to help with the rest of the city’s reparation. Maybe Kylo is able to stay with them.

The next time he sees Kylo is when he’s leaving the school after another one of his classes, and Kylo is crouching against the wall of the building, right beside the entrance. He raises his eyebrows at the ridiculous sight, but Kylo doesn’t seem bothered, straightening up with unexpected grace.

“You’re here,” Hux says, barely managing to supress his relief. “How long have you been waiting?”

Kylo shrugs, stepping closer to him. “Only for a bit. I told you I will be staying. Didn’t you believe me?”

“It’s not a matter of believing you or not,” Hux responds. He looks around them and observes the people passing by before turning back to Kylo. “Where are you staying now?”

“In the inn, near the town square,” Kylo says. “Now you won’t have to worry about me disappearing.”

“I wasn’t worried,” Hux lies weakly. “We can’t continue standing here to talk.”

Kylo nods and turns, gesturing for Hux to follow him. This annoys Hux a little, having Kylo lead him around the town he’s more familiar with, but he obligingly follows. As they walk, Kylo looks over to him, and asks, “What do you do in the school?”

“You mean the school back there?” Hux says, meeting Kylo’s eyes. “I teach children how to speak Basic.”

Kylo’s brows furrow slightly. “Right,” he says. “Not a lot of people speak that here.”

“I struggled a lot when I first came here,” Hux tells him, remembering the first few frustrating weeks with Anita. She can speak a little bit of Basic, but not enough to hold proper conversation. He, thankfully, learned to speak Kita’an after a few months, and the learning process became easier after that. “I only started to teach six months ago, though.”

“You, teaching,” Kylo says, words laced with amusement. It feels good to see his eyes bright, and Hux definitely prefers this look on him, but at the very same time, it irritates him because he feels like he’s being made fun of. “Children, on top of that.”

“What’s wrong with me teaching children?” he demands, not bothering to hide his irritation.

Kylo shakes his head, the corners of his lips still threatening to form a smile. “Nothing,” he says. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, really. After all, you devised the Stormtrooper program.”

“The what?” Hux says, eyes wide with mild horror.

Kylo’s lips pull downward instead of forming into a smile, and the brightness in his eyes dims. He looks away for a moment before turning back to Hux. “Sorry,” he says, only slightly apologetic. “I said that you devised the Stormtrooper program.”

Hux only stares at him for a moment, and then says, “I heard that the First Order kidnaps children to put into the Stormtrooper program to condition them. Are you saying that that’s _my_ idea?”

“From what I know, the idea stems from your father, from when he was the Commandant of the Arkanis Academy. But you’re the one who incorporated the idea into the Order. So, yes, I suppose. Conditioning children to be loyal to the Order is your idea.”

Filled with absolute horror now, Hux only gapes at Kylo. He’s heard the stories: of how children are taken from their parents with force, even killing the parents at times just to take the child. It’s something that the people of Kita’an had feared during the occupation of the First Order; that it will be their children who will be taken from them to be put into the Stormtrooper program.

Kylo is frowning at him now, lips a thin line of disapproval. “The Stormtrooper program was one of your greatest achievements, aside from Starkiller Base. Another source of your pride,” he says, and Hux wishes he would stop talking. “I thought that creating a clone army was more efficient myself, but—I have to say, Hux, you’ve always thought that programming the troopers since childhood is the best way of ensuring that they will be useful to the Order. And they’ve, admittedly, achieved more than failed during our time. So, taking the children forcefully was not an act of cruelty on your or the Order’s part. It was _necessary_.”

Hux curls his fingers into his palms so much that he can feel his nails digging into his skin. Good. That’s what he needs. “Are you actually defending my own actions from… myself?” he demands.

“Because you seem to think that you’re such a terrible person, which you aren’t,” Kylo snaps, also clearly annoyed. “You were raised that way, that’s all.”

“That’s no excuse from doing all of those things: kidnapping, killing, and destroying an entire system!” They’ve unconsciously stopped in the middle of the street, and when Hux notices people looking their way, he realizes he’s raised his voice too loud. He takes in a deep breath to compose himself, relieved that no one probably understood a thing he said. “And I’m not that person anymore,” he adds in a calmer voice. “I am different, and I am better.”

Without waiting for a response, he walks ahead of Kylo, slightly worrying that he would walk the opposite way, but Hux refuses to turn back to check. When he feels Kylo’s presence behind him, he relaxes a little, and leads them to the edge of the town in silence.

The number of people thins the nearer they got to the edge, and there’s no one else at all when they reach the boulders they’ve sat on the last time. Hux goes straight to sit, not sure why he didn’t go home instead, and tell Kylo to go away. Kylo slowly sits beside him, both of them looking at anything else other than each other, and they sit in silence for a moment.

It’s Kylo who ends up breaking the silence. “The people here,” he starts, no more annoyance in his voice, but a little bit of sadness. “They call you Kal. Would you prefer it if I also called you that?”

“No,” Hux answers instantly, his chest aching. His hands are balled on top of his thighs, although not as tight as a few moments ago. “I don’t deserve that name, anyway. I’ve never thought so.”

He sees Kylo turning to look at him from the corner of his eyes, but Hux doesn’t look back, his eyes downcast. “What do you mean?”

“That name…” he breathes in, and exhales loudly. “It’s a word for ‘beautiful’ in Kita’an. Anita gave me that name, and I honestly don’t know what she saw in me for her to do that. People often tell me that the name suits me, but… I don’t deserve it. Even more so now that I know what kind of person I was.”

Kylo falls silent for a second, and Hux peers up at him. His breath hitches when he sees the look in Kylo’s eyes, feeling his face already heating up even before Kylo spoke. “You are beautiful,” he says, and Hux wants to look away, but unable to do so. “You’ve always been beautiful. To me. No matter what.”

Hux ignores the fluttery feeling in his chest, and says, “I don’t know how you can say that. I don’t know what you see, and what you saw in me at all.”

“You were an impressive man, Hux. Still are.”

This time, Hux is able to look away, clenching his fists tighter. How could Kylo call him an impressive man? From what he now knows, he only seems like a cruel, tyrannous bastard. A murderer of billions, on top of that. It doesn’t sound like him at all.

“Don’t,” Kylo says, and Hux looks up at him with confusion until Kylo picks up his hand and uncurls his fingers. His palm has his nail marks on it, and Kylo strokes them gently.

“Did I do this before?” he asks, wondering if he’s at last found a connection between the person he is now and the person he was before.

“Yes,” Kylo says. “You used to do that to annoy me.”

“Do what?” Hux asks with a frown.

“Hurt yourself.”

Hux waits for Kylo to explain, and when he doesn’t, he says, “I don’t understand.”

Kylo lets go of his hand, and leans forward to prop both elbows on each knee. “Because,” he starts, “you know that you being anxious around me upsets me.”

Hux waits again, but Kylo doesn’t continue. “I don’t get it.”

“Oh, it’s simple.” Kylo is not looking at him anymore, head bowed down, and his entire posture screaming grief again. “You hated me,” he says with certainty. “But I… I wanted to have you. I needed you.” His voice trembles by the end of that statement, and the next ones are said thickly, “I forced you to be mine.”

Hux only watches him for a moment, unsure of what to say. And then, he tentatively asks, “What did you do?”

Kylo doesn’t answer him instantly, letting the silence between them stretch, and the longer it went on, the more Hux thinks that Kylo won’t be giving him an answer. But Kylo takes a deep breath, straightening back up, although still not looking at Hux. “I took you away from the Order,” he whispers.

Hux catches it clearly with no other sound to hear but Kylo’s voice, and although the response isn’t as grave as he thought, Kylo looks as if it’s something he very much regrets. “You took me away,” he repeats, leaning closer to Kylo. “To where?”

“To some planet where I thought the Order will not find us,” Kylo says. “But that’s not the point. The point is that you didn’t want to come with me. So I took you. Forcefully. Against your will.”

It occurs to Hux that Kylo is pretty much confessing to kidnapping him at some point in the past and that should probably make him feel angry or something, but if it led to him getting away from the Order, then the feeling doesn’t quite reach him. “And why did you do that?”

Kylo peers up at him, still grief-stricken, but there’s a hint of defiance in his eyes that Hux thinks Kylo needn’t convey to him. “Because Snoke found out about our planned coup, and he wanted to kill you. I told you this—I tried to get you to come escape with me peacefully, but you wanted to face him head on. Even though you weren’t even trained in the Force. Even though I wasn’t confident that I could kill six other Knights _plus_ Snoke when I knew that you could be in danger.”

“So you saved me,” Hux says. “You did what you thought was best for us. Why do you look like you regret doing it?”

“Because it led us to this!” Kylo yells, making Hux jump back a little. Tears start to gather in Kylo’s eyes, and he wipes at them angrily. “It led you to locking away your own memories, and it led me to ending up with the fucking Resistance! It led you to hate me even more so than you already did! I knew, Hux, I knew; you didn’t love me like I loved you. I knew you only went along with what I wanted so you could use me.” He deflates, curling in on himself and covering his eyes with his hands. “I ruined us. Look at where we are now.”

Hux only watches him for a few seconds, too taken aback to fully formulate anything to say in response to that outburst. He has assumed that his and Kylo’s relationship in the past went deeper than Kylo had insinuated. And he already thought that Kylo has strong feelings for him. But hearing the words being said—that Kylo loved him—still surprises Hux. His feelings towards his former self doesn’t really improve with the information that he apparently used Kylo’s feelings to use him. He doesn’t understand Kylo’s dedication to his old self.

Lips pressed together in determination, Hux shifts closer to Kylo and takes his wrists in hand, pulling them away from his face. Kylo doesn’t resist him, revealing his damp eyes to Hux and looking up at him through his wet lashes. Hux’s chest aches for him, and he tightens his hold around Kylo’s wrists.

“I am glad that I’ve decided to lock away my memories,” he says. Kylo’s eyes widen, and his chest constricts. “I was a terrible person who was probably incapable of caring for anyone else. The man that I was didn’t deserve you. I am glad that he is gone.”

“Hux—”

He doesn’t let Kylo say any more than just his name, surging in swiftly to cover Kylo’s mouth with his. Kylo gasps in surprise at the contact, and Hux presses on harder. It takes Kylo a moment to respond, but when he does, he takes Hux passionately, pulling his wrist out of Hux’s hold so his hand can cup the nape of Hux’s neck. Hux’s breath hitches at the warmth of Kylo’s hand against his skin, followed by a barely suppressed moan when Kylo takes the opportunity to nibble on his lower lip, tongue swiping out gently.

In the course of a year that he’s stayed in Kita’an, Hux had attempted a relationship with a few people. But they have always ended within a few days, a week at most, because even when he thought that he and these people were going to go well together, these people were never able to fill in the hole that he feels so often within himself.

At first he’d thought the hole was from his missing memories. But he feels the emptiness the most whenever he is with other people.

He discovers now that it’s Kylo he’s missing all along. His lips have never fit so perfectly with anyone else’s, but the way he and Kylo angles their heads so that their lips fit just right comes so naturally. Their bodies respond to each other like they’re perfectly attuned, and when Hux was all too aware of where he’s putting his hands when it came to other people, he doesn’t even notice that he’s reached up to tangle his fingers in Kylo’s hair.

He’s never felt such pleasure with just the press of tongues, and here Kylo is making him moan just by sucking on his. He pulls on Kylo’s hair a little, asking for more, but then Kylo is suddenly drawing back, putting a hand against Hux’s chest to stop him from chasing Kylo’s lips.

“No, Hux,” he whispers breathlessly. “Stop.”

Hux stares at him, at his slightly disarrayed hair, damp and plump lips from their kissing, and then his blown eyes that show he also clearly wants this. “Why?” Hux asks, trying to pull Kylo closer again by his collars.

Kylo wraps his hands around Hux’s wrists to stop him. He shakes his head when Hux glares at him. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Hux demands, voice rising. His throat constricts when he bitterly thinks that Kylo wouldn’t have stopped him if he still had his memories because Kylo prefers that man. That cruel, undeserving man.

“Please,” Kylo says, and Hux hates that he sounds like he’s pleading. Pleading for what? Pleading for that man to come back, probably. “You don’t understand,” Kylo continues. “You won’t understand without your memories.”

Hux sharply pulls his hands away from Kylo, and stands up from the boulder. He meets Kylo’s pleading eyes with a glare, and spits, “I don’t want them back.”

Pain pierces his chest at the look of hurt on Kylo’s face, as if it’s Hux now who has completely destroyed him. But he quickly waves that thought away. This is all his former self’s fault, not his.

He turns away to leave, determinedly walking away, and refuses to let himself cry about this. He will not cry, and he will not feel rejected. It’s ridiculous; this is just like how any other of his relationships ended, and those did not leave him crushed. Kylo is just like those other people, and this situation is no different.

Except that it is. Because Kylo is different, and Kylo, at that very brief moment, actually made him feel whole.

In the end, he ends up in tears when he reaches home.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry that this chapter is so late, and so short. School got in the way, and I was originally planning for this to be the last chapter before the epilogue. But I've decided to split it into two parts, after all, because I realized that the next few scenes are gonna be long (this whole chapter is only one scene?!). I am hoping that it won't take me a month(?!) again to update the next two chapters.
> 
> Enjoy!

Hux tells Anita the next morning that he feels unwell and thus, will not be coming into work at the clinic. He doesn’t know if the lie is convincing, but he looks the part with his puffy eyes and dark circles from a restless, sleepless night. Anita, the ever sensitive and thoughtful woman that she is, doesn’t press him for more, and only tells him that, “When you need me, I am here.”

And he wants to tell her about the things that he had learned these past few weeks. He wants to tell her about Kylo, about his true identity, but as he thinks this while he lies on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, fear overcomes him such that he thinks he’d rather deal with this alone than to tell Anita anything about his past.

Skipping on work doesn’t really help him, he knows this. He wishes he can at least put up a strong front that will show the people around him that he’s fine, show to Anita that he’s not really breaking down or anything like that. He wishes that he can be stronger not just for himself but for the people who cares about him.

He thinks he would have been able to. He didn’t want to skip on work, wanted to continue on with his days like nothing’s happened. But knowing that Kylo is staying at the inn by the square made him want to just curl up into a ball and never leave the house. Hot shame consumes him whenever he thinks back to how he so readily threw himself to Kylo, left himself open and vulnerable like that, only to be rejected and pushed away. He feels humiliated, and he regrets his actions; he imagines himself keeping his usual cool instead of letting his impulses get the better of him, then maybe he and Kylo would still be alright at this moment.

He lets himself wallow for that day, and that night, he resolves to go to work the next day and continue on living his life no matter the dread that washes over him which leave him restless while in bed once more.

Thankfully, he does manage to get himself out of bed the morning after, and he goes to work with Anita while pretending that he is perfectly fine now. He doesn’t fool Anita—she knows him too well—but the rest of them are satisfied when he smiles at them like he usually does, and tells them that he’s alright. That he was just feeling under the weather the day before, and that he’s feeling better today.

His fear of accidentally bumping into Kylo or for Kylo coming to the clinic to see him is unfounded. In fact, he doesn’t see Kylo for the next few days, and his fear of seeing Kylo transforms into a fear that Kylo might’ve left the planet after all. Still, he can’t bring himself to go to the inn to check if he’s still there, and he occupies himself with work and other things to keep Kylo out of his mind.

The heaviness in his chest doesn’t leave him, and he feels it weighing him down as he now scans the stalls on the square for groceries. He’s very aware of the location of the inn that Kylo is staying in even as he inspects a piece of fruit that he’s considering to buy. He almost feels as if the building itself is trying to pull him to its place, and Hux has to strongly resist it.

He tries not to get too near the building, in case his legs decide to walk there on their own. But he can’t deny that he’s contemplating going over there to see Kylo, just for a confirmation that he’s still here. He knows he’s skirting around the vicinity of the building—as close as he dares to be to it—in his indecisiveness, and this occupies most of his thoughts. He’s so occupied that he doesn’t notice Kylo literally coming to stand right beside him in front of a stall, until he hears Kylo’s deep voice saying, “Hux.”

He very visibly jumps in surprise that he flushes with embarrassment as he whips his head around to glower at Kylo, forgetting momentarily that he’s been dreading seeing him. And then he remembers, and he looks back down at the produce in front of him, glaring at the inanimate objects instead.

“You’re still here,” he says, hiding his relief behind a bite to his words that he doesn’t really mean.

“I’m still here,” Kylo echoes, unruffled. “I already said that I’m not leaving this place without you. But I thought you might need some space. Some time.”

“From what?” Hux snaps, shooting Kylo a glare. He turns back to the fruits, picks up the ones he thinks are good, and looks at the vendor who’s regarding Kylo cautiously. He tells the vendor that he’ll be buying, and the vendor takes a bag to put Hux’s chosen fruits in. The vendor hands him the bag in exchange for credits.

When Kylo still doesn’t say anything in response, Hux turns to fully face him. “From the humiliation I’ve subjected myself to?” he suggests icily, his face heating up just from the thought of it.

Surprisingly, Kylo’s expression softens rather than scrunching up in a frown that Hux expected. There’s also some exasperation mixed in there that makes Hux’s chest ache. “Some time to absorb the things that I’ve told you,” he clarifies. “I know you think that you’re a totally different person from who you were in the past, but you’re really not that different, you know.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Hux asks, and doesn’t wait for a response, turning around to walk to the next stall. He still has grocery shopping to do which he can’t just forget about because of Kylo. Still, he looks back to make sure that Kylo is keeping up with him, almost jumping in surprise again when he sees Kylo so close behind him.

“I’m just saying,” Kylo says, his voice directly above Hux’s ear, “that your past self wasn’t only entirely about the Stormtrooper Program or Starkiller Base. I wasn’t the only person who’s completely devoted to you, and there’s a reason for that. There were many who wanted to follow you, to hail you as their Emperor, because you were a good and fair leader.”

Hux snorts with disbelief, stopping at a stall of vegetables. He looks over the greens and purples distractedly, relying on months of doing this to determine which ones to buy.  “‘Good and fair’,” he quotes wryly. “Imagine if I really did become Emperor. Wielding a weapon like Starkiller Base. This galaxy will surely be better off without me.”

“Don’t say that,” Kylo says with enough feeling that makes Hux look up at him. His expression is a combination of a scowl, of fear, and of pain, and as if he doesn’t know which one to show on his face. He settles on disapproving, in the end. “I wish you’d let yourself actually know your past self without these pre-existing ideas that you have of him. I’m trying to give you perspective.”

“I just can’t imagine how a man who can destroy an entire system can be any good,” Hux responds. “If you really think there’s justification over something like that, doesn’t that mean you’re just as bad as that man?”

“Perhaps,” Kylo says without hesitation, now full-on frowning. “But you, who refuses to gain an understanding, has been reduced to the intelligence of a common man.”

Hux feels insulted even though he thinks that there’s really nothing insulting about being called common. Being common is good. Being common means he fits in. And yet. “I don’t see a problem with that,” he replies.

Kylo sneers at him with disgust, recoiling a little. Hux bubbles with anger from this, feeling utterly offended, but Kylo isn’t affected by his murderous glare. “Is that what this is about?” he asks. “You removed your memories to become one of these people? Why?”

Hux turns away from him, returning his eyes to the spread of vegetables in front of him. “You know I can’t answer that question,” he says.

“Because you don’t want your memories back. Because you _want_ to be one of these people. And you can only be one of them without your memories.”

“I don’t see a problem with that either,” Hux retorts, determinedly keeping his eyes on the vegetables. He picks a sheaf up, inspecting it just for show. “I’m perfectly happy here without my memories. I was happy before you showed up.”

Kylo makes a broken sound in his throat, and Hux can’t resist anymore. He looks up, but Kylo isn’t looking at him, one of his hands covering his mouth. Hux wants his words back, and his chest aches with regret, but he doesn’t say anything. He wants to believe his own words, wants to believe that he’s already complete even without Kylo. Knows that he’s lying to himself.

Still, admitting that he _needs_ Kylo will be for naught anyway. He’s not the person that Kylo wants.

The silence drags on, and Hux buys the vegetables from the vendor. He’s receiving the bag when Kylo suddenly says, “Stay here.”

Hux turns to him with confusion, feels a spike of panic when Kylo motions to leave. “Where are you going?” he asks, his voice going higher than his usual tone. _Don’t go_ , he wants to add.

But Kylo’s expression and demeanor has changed. He’s tense, and the look in his eyes indicate that he’s not fully focused on the surroundings he’s currently in. He looks around wildly, frowning. “There’s something I have to…” he starts, but something seems to have stolen his attention. His expression becomes grim. “I have to go.”

“What’s going on?” Hux asks, just before Kylo can leave.

“I’ll explain later. I’ll be back,” he says, and then he’s off rushing past people in a swirl of black fabric.

Hux only watches him go for a moment, left confused and worried more than anything else. But without any other direction on what to do, he continues on with his shopping, moving to a nearby stall.

Ten minutes later, Kylo still isn’t back. Hux begins to get worried that Kylo had maybe lied to him and will, in fact, not be returning, but he refuses to believe that Kylo will do that to him. When a few more minutes pass, he gets worried that perhaps something has happened, but with no way of knowing where Kylo could be, Hux can do nothing more than just continue to buy produce, the number of bags in his arms steadily increasing. But then, even after Hux has finished, there is still no sign of Kylo, so he heads for the waterway and sits down on one of the benches nearby, figuring that Kylo will find him here easily enough.

And then, he waits.

Waits until the sun is close to setting, and the working people of the town are starting to head back to their homes. Waits until that trickle of workers die down because they’ve probably already arrived home with their families, and have started making their dinner. Waits until the stalls in the square are starting to pack up and close to return home for the day. And yet, Kylo still hasn’t returned.

Filled with anger at having to wait, Hux stands up from the bench and picks up his bags. He’s too mad at being lied to and abandoned so suddenly that, at that moment, he really could care less about what had happened to Kylo. Maybe he’s injured and bleeding to death somewhere. Maybe he’s already dead and is floating on the waterway. Maybe he has completely given up on Hux, and has left him for good. Any one of those things could be the case, and Hux doesn’t care. He’s had enough, and so he’s going home.

As Hux walks home, his righteous anger starts to die down, and worry begins to eat him up again. What if Kylo really did get injured and is currently bleeding to death? What if he’s already dead and is really floating on the waterway, or even just dumped somewhere desolate? How will Hux find him, then; where would he even begin searching? What _should_ he do?

Overcome with panic, Hux quickens his pace, wanting to get home faster to drop off the bags and maybe beg Anita to help him search for Kylo. He thinks now that he should’ve done this sooner. Shouldn’t have waited like an idiot back there, stewing with such petty anger.

_I thought you were done with waiting_ , he scolds himself.

_I know_ , he responds, but still curses himself some more anyways.

In his hurry, he doesn’t see the person heading his way from his peripheral, and the next thing he knows, he’s being propelled from the impact of a collision, his backside coming into painful contact against the ground. Some of his bags have come off his arms, spilling the produce they contained, and Hux looks up to glare at the person who’d bumped into him.

All he sees is a hooded figure and the lower half of a face, and then the person is hurrying away without apology, black robes billowing behind them. Hux glares at the person’s back, and then heaves himself up, groaning at the pain that shoots up his spine. He stays kneeling on the ground for a moment, waiting for the pain to subside a little, before getting up again to begin gathering his spilled produce.

A minute later, he hears someone’s hurried footfalls coming closer, and he looks up hopefully, meaning to ask for help. Only, the person who have arrived turns out to be Kylo, and his expression changes into one of fury as he bellows, “Kylo!”

Kylo comes into an abrupt halt in front of him, looking down at him with wide eyes, his breath coming out fast as if he’s been running for awhile. And then his face contorts into worry, and he’s bending down to his knees, gripping Hux’s arms tightly. “What happened?” he asks in a rush. “Are you hurt? Why’re you on the ground? Who did this?”

Hux gives him the darkest of his glares, curling his fingers into fists to prevent himself from doing anything so rash. Like punching Kylo, for example. “Someone bumped into me,” he spits out, also still angry about that. “But more importantly, where were you? You made me wait for hours! _What have you been doing_?”

Kylo’s expression quickly changes into one of guilt, biting hard on his lower lip. “I’m sorry,” he says sincerely, his hands falling away from Hux’s arms. “I was… I felt… it doesn’t matter. I’m sorry for making you wait. I really was going to come back.”

Hux turns away from him, and continues picking up his spilled produce, trying to hide his relief that Kylo is unharmed and is here now with him. He continues to let Kylo believe that he’s angry even as they finish collecting everything from the ground, bags around Hux’s arms again, and as they start walking towards Hux’s house.

“I really am sorry, Hux,” Kylo tells him a little later as they walk, and Hux hasn’t said a thing to him. “I felt…” he pauses, struggling, “I thought that I felt something. Or someone who’s hostile.”

“I was worried about you, Kylo,” Hux snaps, not looking at him. “I thought you were bleeding to death somewhere or—or had your dead body thrown somewhere to rot.”

“I know.”

Kylo grabs him by the elbow to stop him from walking, and to maneuver him so that they’re facing one another. Hux is forced to look at Kylo, then, to be met with an awfully sincere repentant look, eyes gazing up at him pleadingly, lips downturned. If Hux’s anger hasn’t yet dissipated, one look at this face would have blown his anger away in an instant.

“I’m sorry.”

Hux only stares at him for a moment before sighing resignedly, rolling his eyes. “Fine,” is all he says, and then he’s turning away to start walking again. Only, Kylo stops him with his hand still on Hux’s arm, and Hux turns back to him with a questioning look.

Kylo gestures at his bags. “They look heavy,” he says. “I… would you… let me help you. Please.”

“I’m perfectly capable of carrying them on my own,” Hux says.

“I know that,” Kylo replies, blowing out a slightly frustrated breath. “Just… I want to help.”

Hux sighs again, and hands him the bags he’s holding in his left hand. When Kylo has taken them, he transfers some of the bags he has in his right hand to balance the weight. And then they start walking again and in a more comfortable silence this time.

After a few minutes, Hux glances over at Kylo, and asks, “So, this hostile something-someone you felt. Did you find it?”

Kylo looks back at him, shaking his head. “I thought I had her, at first. I was chasing after her presence, but I could never seem to catch her. Or get close to her. I… I was still chasing after her when I found you.”

“‘Her’?” Hux asks.

“I know the presence.”

“Someone from the Resistance?”

Kylo gives him a wry smile, shaking his head.

A sense of apprehension dawns on Hux, his brows furrowing together. “Someone from the Order? But the Resistance has defeated them. They’ve already left the planet, haven’t they?”

“They have, yes,” Kylo says with certainty that slightly calms Hux. “This is only one person. You needn’t worry, with her alone, she has no chance at defeating me.”

Rest assured, Hux nods at him, and they descend into silence once more as they approach Hux’s house. Once they’ve reached the front door, Kylo hands Hux his bags, Hux saying, “Thank you for this.”

“It’s nothing,” Kylo says, his expression reverting back to sadness and regret. He looks Hux in the eyes as he says, voice low, “I would do anything to earn your forgiveness.”

Hux has a feeling that Kylo isn’t really only talking about making him wait at the square. Is he apologizing for what happened a few days back? As he stares back at Kylo’s eyes, he realizes that, no, Kylo isn’t apologizing for what happened that time. He’s apologizing for something else, and, more importantly, he’s apologizing to Hux’s past self.

Hurt at the reminder that Kylo sees, and only wants to see, the Hux of the past, he looks away from the dark eyes that’s suddenly making it hard for him to breathe. He only gives Kylo a nod, and then he turns away to face the door, motioning to go inside.

But as he takes a step forward, he finds that he’s unable to just leave things for Kylo like this. No matter how much it pains him, he can’t leave Kylo miserable just because of his own selfishness. He’s reminded that Kylo’s lost him, and is still lost to him without his memories. The memories that, even if he did want them back, won’t just be coming back to him because he doesn’t know where to even begin with remembering them.

He turns back to find that Kylo is still very much there, looking at him with such longing that it makes his chest throb. His decision solidifies at that sight, and he opens his mouth.

“I think,” he starts, the spark of brightness in Kylo’s eyes encouraging him, “you deserve to know this.”

Kylo waits, expression so open, so vulnerable in that moment.

“I doubt that I…” he falters, and amends, “the one you love, really despised you. If I hated you, to the point of harming myself… I guess, even now, I would feel some lingering animosity towards you, or a sense of unease, or revulsion when you’re near. But instead,” he swallows when he feels his throat failing, “I feel… longing—a deep yearning. As if you’re the only one that I could possibly desire.” He thinks again of how only Kylo has ever felt so right for him, and his very own words ring true, even to him. “It’s overwhelming, sometimes.”

“What are you insinuating?” Kylo asks softly, as if he’s afraid to even hope. But Hux can see in his expression how much his words mean to him.

“I have two theories,” Hux tells him. “Either you were so blinded by your emotions that you failed to read me correctly, or…” and he thinks that this is the most probable one from what he’s heard about himself, “I’m an impeccable liar.”

Kylo’s eyes are wide and hopeful, and Hux almost regrets that he won’t be able to tell him more than what he’s already said.

“I’m sorry, Kylo. Even if I want my memories back, I don’t know how I’ll be getting them back.”

“I know how,” Kylo whispers, eyes still wide.

Hux takes pause to wonder if he’s heard Kylo right, and then he frowns. “What?”

“Hux.” Kylo steps closer to him, grasping both of his arms. “I know how you can get your memories back. I haven’t told you this because,” he hesitates, but only for a moment, “because you’ve been so against it. But I know how to get your memories back. If you’ll have them.”

Hux gapes up at him with disbelief, feeling overwhelmed by this information. For months, he had searched for a way to get his memories back, had felt so desperate to have them back without avail that being told that there’s a way now is making his brain short circuit. He can’t believe it, he doesn’t know how to feel—

“I—I have to think about this,” he stutters. “I… I don’t know what to… I have to—”

Kylo’s eyes softens, and he starts rubbing one hand up and down Hux’s arm. “It’s fine, Hux,” he says, voice gentle. “You don’t have to have them back now. I can wait.”

“I still don’t know if I want them back at all.”

Kylo’s face falls a little, but he nods. “I understand. I just want you to know that there is a way.”

Hux still can’t believe it. He needs to talk to Anita. “I’ll come find you,” he says, “when I know what to do.”

Kylo withdraws his hands, takes a step back. “Alright.”

“I’ll see you soon. I promise.”

Kylo nods, and turns away, heading back to where they just came from. Hux hates watching him walk away, but then he remembers that he now knows where to find Kylo, and he tells himself that there’s no need to worry.

He can’t possibly disappear overnight.


End file.
